This Is Drive Shaft
by robo t
Summary: Take Me Out: Charlie, Jeremy, Dean, and Patrick go to the local Sam Ash to get away from the bickering Karen and Liam, but Charlie shows his weird competitiveness at song guessing.
1. Introcuction To Destruction

Disclaimer: I don't own Lost, This Is Spinal Tap, or those sheets you put on that go after the bedspread and before the blanket.

xThis Is Drive Shaftx

Hello. My name is Murdoc Darkness. I'm a filmmaker. I make a lot of commercials, and have even managed to scrap by with some short TV talk shows. Remember that chaotic talk show that had the Kool Aid guy in every episode? Yeah. That was me.

In 1999, I was in a gritty old pub somewhere in London, called the Static Dragon. I think it's still there, but now it's a gay night club. Anyway, that night when I saw four scruffy looking young men get on stage, I was expecting another "Oasis" band. But what I heard knocked me off my feet.

That band was Britain's now legendary Drive Shaft. Six years and three albums later, they're now on "hiatus". But in the late spring of 2004, when I heard they were promoting a new album, "Sniff the Mitten", I jumped at the chance to make this documentary, if you will, "rockumentary". Or article.

I wanted to capture the sights, the sounds, the smells, of a hard-working band on the road. I also brought my good friend, Jeremy, a die hard Drive Shaft fan for the ride. I got everything that I asked for. And a lot of things that I didn't ask for. But hey, enough of my yakkin'! Let's rock!

(A/N: This is just an introduction. The first chapter should be up in a few days. Till then, you could always review...)


	2. We Are All Made Of Stars

A/N: You might recognize some material direct from Spinal Tap, but keep in mind I put it in there because it's funny as hell, and it's even funnier when you think it with Drive Shaft.

xThis Is Drive Shaftx

(Outside concert Hall in Romania)

"I like them, they make me happy," a fan tells the camera crew.

"Drive Shaft ROCKS!"

"HI MOM!"

"I love these concerts. It's like you become one with the band. I mean there's… no separation between you and…. the players."

Murdoc and Jeremy stare blankly at Fan #4. Fan #3 runs past.

"HI MOM!"

(Inside Concert Hall)

"You wanted it straight from the UK, Drive Shaft!"

Drive Shaft performs "You All Everybody".

(Farm Interview I)

Murdoc and Jeremy are seated across from Liam, Charlie, and the other two members of Drive Shaft behind a very old and dirty farm. Two men in hunting gear peer over the fence in the far background.

"Let's talk about the history of the group," Murdoc begins. "I understand, Liam, you and Charlie originally started the band in late… what was it, '99?"

"Yeah, but before that we were in different groups. I was in a group called The Beasties, which was… Well, it wasn't really a band, it was-"

"Mime," Charlie interjects.

"And Charlie was in Good Boy."

"Yeah."

"And then we looked at each other and thought, 'Well, we might as well join up', you know, and, uh…"

"We then became The Spindle Shanks."

A UFO hovers slowly in background over two hunters. Let's call the fat one "Din" and the tall one "Nels". Nels looks up and nudges Din, indicating to the unidentified flying object. Din nods and picks up his rifle. Nels shakes his head and smacks the back of Din's head. He's telling Din something when he and Din realize they're no longer on the ground and start screaming. But, due to brilliant editing, you can't hear the two men's screeches as they slowly levitate towards the bottom of the ship. The band, due to having their ear drums ruptured from screaming fans, can't hear anything that's going on only thirty yards behind them.

"So your first drummer was…" Murdoc starts again.

"Bobo," Charlie laughs.

"Wes Bobo," Liam sighs. "Great, great. Tall, blond geek with glasses and big ears…. Not as big as Charlie's, but…"

Charlie shoves Liam. Liam punches Charlie's shoulder.

"Boys, BOYS!" Murdoc interrupts as Charlie has Liam in a headlock and Liam is swinging at Charlie's knees. For some reason, Jeremy is biting Charlie's shoulder. "Jeremy, get over here!"

"AS I was saying…." Murdoc says as everyone calms down and goes back to their seats. "What happened to Bobo?"

Liam sighs.

"Well, he… He died."

"How?" Jeremy asks.

"It was, uh, some bizarre gardening accident some years back."

"Tragic," says Charlie.

"It was really one of those things, well, the authorities said really best to remained unsolved, really."

Murdoc shuffles papers.

"And he was replaced with…?"

"'Winny'" Liam says. "Harry 'Winny' Davis."

"What happened to Winny?"

Shinjin clears his throat for the first time.

"It's not really a pleasant story, actually," he says. "But…he died. He choked on… The official explanation was that he choked on vomit."

"He passed away," Liam says.

"It was actually someone else's vomit," Charlie explains.

"It's ugly."

All three men start talking at once.

Charlie: There's no real….

Shinjin: They can't prove whose vomit it was….

Liam: You can't print… There's no way to print a spectra-photograph…

They pause at the interviewers' horrified faces. Charlie breaks the silence.

"You can't really dust for vomit."

A/N: That was first official chappie. Thought you ought to know, after every chapter that can be seen oddly familiar to Spinal Tap, I'll have an original chapter that makes fun of other things. Next chapter: Liam gives a tour of…. the tour bus.


	3. Magic Bus

A/N: This is the band parody to end all band parodies.

xThis Is Drive Shaftx

A tall skinny man wearing large sunglasses snaps his gum in an empty parking lot somewhere in Europe. We know this is Liam, and we know he's somewhere in Europe because there's a giant map on a billboard that has a red dot on it which says: YOU ARE SOMEWHERE IN EUROPE.

"It's going to be here soon, isn't it?" Murdoc asks as she and her camera crew comes out of a van.

"Any minute…" Liam says, looking down the road. "He probably just got off his lunch break. Yep. There he is."

Liam points at a large bus coming down the road with a giant British flag on the sides.

"Wait…" Murdoc says, squinting at the gigantic bus. "I've seen that bus."

"Yep, ever heard of the Spice Girls?" Liam grins, snapping his gum loudly.

The camera crew shuffles around nervously. These are the same guys that wore Members Only jackets in the eighties.

"Why don't you give us a tour?" Murdoc asks.

"Why don't I?" Liam smiles, rolls his eyes, and knocks on the door. The door opens and Meat Loaf is sitting in the driver's seat, and he happens to be wearing a Members Only jacket.

"MEAT LOAF!" Murdoc screeches, running up to the driver's seat with her arms open wide. Meat Loaf stares open mouthed in horror as Murdoc clings to him, making an "eeee" Mini Me noise.

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee."

Liam scratches his head and stares at Murdoc, who is still clinging, and Meatloaf, who is patting the shoulder of Murdoc and trying to pick her off.

"Yes, we're men," Murdoc says. "Men is what we are."

"Get off."

Liam takes Murdoc's shoulders and leads her away from M.L.

"Your bus driver is Meat Loaf," she says dreamily.

"Yeah, he came with the bus."

( Ten Minutes Later )

"So, this is our tour bus," Liam looks around uncertainly.

The bus is a double decker, which has a staircase leading up and a pole going down in the middle of the large room.

"Gee, I didn't think it would be _this_ big from outside," Murdoc says, looking around.

"Almost unreal, right?"

There's an awkward pause.

"It's so… colorful."

"Yeah, we're going to paint it gray, I don't think I could be in here with so many neon colors, I'll go blind.

"Totally."

Liam goes up the stairs and indicates the camera crew to wait.

"There's only one room up here," his voice carries. "But it's locked, we can't go in there. And this was here when we got the bus."

He brings down a box and puts it on the table next to the fuzzy pink couch.

"Lookee, lookee," he pulls out a boot with two foot long heels. "And that's not all."

He pulls out more outrageous shoes. The two crew members grab shoes and start playing catch. Soon, Meat Loaf joins in and the five of them play catch, until it abruptly ends when a boot hits the sound guy's nose.

"My nose!" he squeals in pain.

"Oh, come on, Alden," Murdoc snaps. "Be a man."

"Do you guys hear something?" Liam asks.

They all pause, and sure enough, there's a strange ticking noise.

"Where's it coming from?"

Meat Loaf indicates them all to be quiet and walks around the room. He stops at the shoe box.

"In here," he mouths the words and points to the box.

"Well, see what it is," Liam says earnestly.

Meat Loaf opens the box cautiously. He slowly takes out the rest of the shoes, and his eyes widen as he looks at the mysterious item.

"It's a bomb!" he whispers loudly.

"Why are we whispering?" Murdoc asks.

They all exchange glances and scream all at once. The scream doesn't really have any emotion in it, and it drags on for two minutes.

"What are we going to do?" Liam yells.

"I know!" Murdoc says. "We can't drive any slower than 60 miles per hour or else-"

"That was Speed, you idiot."

"Well, what do YOU suggest, movie man!"

They all hear the creak of a door opening. They look up, and a very beaten up Edward Norton is looking down at them from the top of the stairs.

Murdoc gasps.

"I love you, too!"

Meatloaf grabs Murdoc's jacket before she can run up the stairs.

"Can you help us, Mr. Norton?" Liam says, grimacing at how completely stupid and childlike that sounded.

"Maybe," Edward says, and walks past them toward the box. He leans down and fiddles with the wires.

"You don't know which wire to pull," he says.

"I know everything you do, so if you know I know," he answers back.

The others look at each other, confused. Liam starts walking backward toward the exit.

"Or maybe, since I knew you'd know, I spent all day thinking about the wrong wires."

Edward paused. The camera crew started to quietly pick up their equipment and followed Liam.

Edward grimaced as he pulled out a green wire. Nothing happened.

"Damn it," Edward said. He looked up, only to see the bus empty. "_Damn it!"_

Edward casually opens the door and flings himself out of it.

A/N: Yes, that was probably very stupid and pointless. I don't own Spice Girls, their bus, Meat Loaf, or Edward Norton. Although I do own one of those shoes. It's in a glass case in my basement lined with poison.


	4. Blitzkreig Bop

A/N: This is the band parody to end all band parodies.

xThis Is Drive Shaftx

(Farm Interview II)

The band is sitting behind the same farm, all staring at the two empty seats in front of them. Murdoc starts running towards them.

"I'm so sorry I'm late," she explains. "I lost Jeremy. You guys haven't seen him?"

Charlie points to the open field to the right of the farm. Jeremy is seen running through the field; his arms open wide and singing.

"The hills are alive!"

"JEREMY! GET BACK HERE!"

"The hills are a-"

Jeremy trips and falls into a large pile of cow poo.

(Five Minutes Later)

Jeremy is shirtless, exposing a very skinny and pale chest, and is being hosed off by a man in a suit. The band is still laughing.

"So," Murdoc gasps, wiping a tear from her eye. "I don't think you guys officially introduced yourselves. Why don't you do that?"

"Well, I'm Liam Pace."

"I'm Charlie Pace."

"I'm the almighty Sinjin St. John."

"Liam Pace."

Everyone looks at Patrick.

Liam says, "No, you're Patrick."

"Liam."

"No, I'm Liam."

Patrick looks around nervously.

"Charlie."

Liam waves his hand across Patrick's face and mutters "Sleep". Patrick's head droops onto his shoulder.

"Oh, I wanted to ask you this before… Where'd you come up with Drive Shaft?"

"Well, we were The Heavens Two Betsy Seven when Liam said, 'Screw it," and he opened a dictionary and pointed at a word," Charlie explains.

"And it was 'Drive Shaft'…" Murdoc says dreamily.

"Actually, it was 'discontinue'," Liam says.

"Then it was 'abandon'," Charlie says.

"Then it was 'band'," Liam says.

"Oh."

"And _then _it was 'drive shaft'," Liam says.

"Okay…. Let's talk about your reviews a little bit. Regarding your debut album, "DriveSHAFT": "This tasteless band is a good indication of the lack of musical invention within. The musical growth rate of this band cannot even be charted. They are treading water in a sea of retarded sexuality and bad poetry."

"That's a little bit… negative," Liam says.

"The review you had on 'Oil Change' was just two words," Murdoc states, "'Sh! Change'."

"That's not even funny," Charlie says.

"That's just stupid," Liam says. "Who would print that?"

"I once ate a big red candle."

"SLEEP, GODDAMIT!"

(A/N: Once again, pointless. I don't know why I've been writing these chapters nonstop, but there ought to be another one quite soon. Thanks to Leaviel, who gave me that site so I know the actual REAL names of FICTIONAL albums. Next chappie, the band's manager and producer bring some bad news.


	5. Cure For The Itch

A/N: This is the band parody to end all band parodies.

xThis Is Drive Shaftx

A tall skinny man with a bad haircut and pointy shoes gets on the tour bus, followed by a heavy set Latino woman holding a broom and a suitcase. They are greeted warmly by Drive Shaft and Murdoc's crew.

"Who's this?" Murdoc asks.

"This is our manager, Ted Tallis," Liam explains. "He's been with us through thick and thin."

"Yes. Hi," Ted waves awkwardly at the camera crew.

"And… I don't know who that is," Liam says, indicating the woman.

"Ah, yes," Ted says. "I heard you all were having a problem with the interior of the bus, so I hired Ms. Valencia Velasquez to spruce it up a bit."

Valencia waves at everyone.

"One other thing," Ted clears his throat. "She doesn't speak a word of English. Does anyone here know Spanish?"

"I took Spanish class in high school," Jeremy says. "But I only know the alphabet; I dropped out after a week."

"Great! You'll do!"

Jeremy awkwardly walks over to Valencia and says, "Uh, Buenos Dias, senora."

He bites his fingernails for a second and then awkwardly takes her hand and leads her around the bus.

"Uh, Liam," Murdoc says. "I wanted you to explain the cities we're stopping at in the tour, and how you chose them."

"Sure," Liam says, a little bit confused. He walks over to a map up on the wall. "We chose the cities in the tour by blindfolding ourselves and throwing darts at the map."

He points at an orange dart. "This one landed on Romania," he explains. "Sinjin threw it. We just spent three days there, and we're heading to Finland next, because for some reason, we're really popular there."

He points at a yellow dart. "This is the States, thrown by yours truly. After a week in Finland, we're going to Boston. I don't know why Boston, of all places, but, there you go."

Liam holds up a bandaged hand.

"Patrick's dart…. well, let's just say it went astray."

Liam walks to the far end of the map. A blue dart has landed in the Pacific Ocean, not far from Fiji.

"Charlie threw this one," he sighs. "Pathetic."

"All those arguments about touring and not touring and all that…" Sinjin says, walking to the map. "It's obvious we belong on tour, you know."

"I couldn't agree more," Ted says. "All that stuff about you being too stupid and too white but…"

"But what about the album, Ted?"

"That's the real problem," Liam interjects. "There's no way to promote something that doesn't exist."

"It's a very unimportant reason," Ted answers stiffly. "It's just that they're experimenting with, with some new, uh… packaging materials."

"What kind of experimenting?" Sinjin asks. "What, they got monkeys opening it?"

"Oh, there's uh… the other thing is that, uh… The Boston gig is cancelled."

"What?" Charlie exclaims.

"I wouldn't worry about it, though," Ian says. "It's not a big college town."

(Execs' Party)

Liam is sitting on a couch in the living room surrounded by ten people. A southern man approaches Liam.

"I heard you boys got an album out."

"Yeah, it should be out by now, it's called 'Sniff the Mitten'… yeah, yeah."

"Sniff the mitten?" a girl asks. "It's a stupid title."

"Wait till you see the cover, wait till you see the cover… Very stupid indeed."

Ted is walking across the room to a record exec by the name of Art Vandelay.

"Art, Art, do you mind if I tear you away from all this?"

"Do you have a drink? Is everything okay?"

"No, I don't, I don't really need one. But, uh, listen. I really do have to talk to you about this, uh, this…"

"What?"

"We feel, well, uh… It seems to be facts that the company is rather down on the cover. Is that the case?"

"Yes."

"You can give it to me straight, you know."

"Listen. They, uh, they just don't like the cover."

"Well, that is certainly straight."

"They find it very offensive and very stupid."

"Well, what exactly… Do you find offensive, I mean, what's offensive?"

"Ian, you put an elderly woman dressed as a Saint Bernard…"

"Yes…"

"On all fours…"

"Yes…"

"With a dog collar around her neck…"

"With a dog collar around her neck…"

"And a leash…"

"And a leash…"

"And a dead child on the floor with her arm extended and the woman is sniffing the mitten. You don't find that offensive? You don't find that horrible?"

"Honestly, Art, with all these heavy metal bands out there, this is tulips and daisies."

"No, it is not. Do you have any idea how many people you're insulting?"

"Well, you're lucky you can't see the kid's face, the band wanted it to be a nuclear blast victim, or something."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"And a circus in the background."

Art stares at Ted darkly.

"What? It was _their _idea."

"I don't care. Listen. I don't think it matters what's on the cover if it sells or not. I mean, think of the "White Album". There was nothing on the goddamn cover."

Art's cell phone starts ringing.

"Sorry, man. I have to take this. We'll talk later."

For some reason, Ted sounds delighted.

"Okies! Buh-bye!"

A/N: …You know the drill. This story has no plot, but it has an ending, and we're far from it. Next chapter: Murdoc interviews the band as individuals, and some old feuds come back to haunt the band.


	6. Made You Look

A/N: This is the band parody to end all band parodies.

xThis Is Drive Shaftx

(Helsinki, Finland)

Murdoc is following Ted to the bus.

"Are you going to tell them about the cover?" she asks.

"No, I am not telling them about the cover," Ted said. "If you were a doctor and your patient had cancer, you wouldn't _tell_ them!"

"Well, what happens when the band finds out?"

"Listen. The band's not _going _to find out. Because you're not going to tell them," he points at Murdoc threateningly.

"Well, of course not. I want the cameras to catch their reaction when they realize it for themselves."

"Don't be stupid. They're too thick to realize for themselves. They still haven't realized that the covers for the other albums are just close-ups of household items. Like bananas."

They drop the conversation and board the bus. Patrick's asleep on an orange bean bag, Sinjin is tuning a guitar, and Liam and Charlie are standing by the bar, laughing and joking.

"I still think she should join the band," Liam is saying. "We can always use someone to play the harmonica, or something."

"Who're you guys talking about?" Murdoc asks slyly.

"The maid," Liam answers. Murdoc's smile fades. "By the way, you haven't seen her, have you?"

"No, I haven't," Murdoc answers coldly.

"Pity," Liam says, not noticing Murdoc's tone. He looks over at Charlie, who is grabbing for a cookie on a tray, and slaps his hand.

"Don't eat that," Liam snaps.

"Ouch!" Charlie cries, cradling his perfectly unharmed hand. "Why'd you do that?"

"I told you already. You're fat."

"What?" Jeremy asks incredulously.

"Look," Liam says, turning Charlie to face all of them. "Charlie, open your mouth."

Charlie pouts and opens his mouth slightly.

"No, wider, Charlie. Open it more, Charlie. Like you're going to sing. No, like you're going to yawn. _There!_"

Liam points to a small layer of excess skin under Charlie's chin.

"Double chin! See? He IS fat!"

(Individual Interviews: Charlie)

"Don't worry, Charlie. We don't think your fat," Jeremy says reassuringly.

"Of course not," Murdoc says, turning around and rooting around in a bag. "In fact, we even made you a pie."

She offers him a partially squished but still perfectly presentable peach pie.

"Thanks," Charlie mutters, inspecting the pie. "Is this peach? I usually have blueberry…"

"You're not going to eat that!" Liam's voice calls from far in the background.

Charlie gives an evil glare in Liam's direction, than puts his hand in the pie and starts shoving it in his mouth.

"Whoa," Jeremy says. "Uh, don't listen to your brother. You look fine."

"Yeah. And besides, no one's perfect," Murdoc says, gesturing towards Jeremy. "Jeremy's never on time."

Jeremy gives Murdoc a cold stare, which she ignores. He leans over toward Charlie, grabs a handful of pie, and crams it into his mouth.

"And Murdoc's arrogant," he says, crumbs spewing from his mouth.

(Interview with Art and Bobbi Vandelay)

Art is sitting behind a desk and a woman is sitting next to him. This woman is wearing all black, from the color of her hair to the elegant dress she's wearing, despite the shabbiness of the office they're in.

"Hi, I'm Art Vandelay, and this is my wife, Bobbi Vandelay."

"_Ex_-wife," she corrects him.

"Yes, well, we started Rhythm Records in 1993, and we divorced in '95. I got a life of loneliness and misery, and Bobbi got my house, my car, and half of the company."

"So…. how did you come across Drive Shaft?" Murdoc asks from off camera.

"We heard that this great band was playing gigs all over the UK, so we jumped at the opportunity to represent them," Bobbi explains.

"And what did you like about Drive Shaft?"

"Their image," Bobbi answers immediately. "We loved the fact that the lead singer was so skinny and reckless."

"But… what about their music?"

"Eh," Bobbi shrugs.

"The chemistry of the band was great," Art says.

"So you liked the Pace brothers' chemistry?"

"Oh, no," Bobbi says, disgusted. "We loved Liam's attitude, but we felt that Charlie was too…. _brotherly_."

There was a moment of stony silence.

"We were thinking of killing him off."

(Individual Interviews: Liam)

"Hello, Liam," Murdoc smiles at Liam. Liam ignores her and lights a cigarette.

"Liam, why don't you tell us what you think you mean to the band?"

Liam tilts his head thoughtfully. In the light, he resembles some sort of chimp. The sideburns give him a fuzzy look, and his head resembles a monkey's….

"Well, I sing. And I'm Charlie's older brother, which means I overrule him. And I overrule everyone, because I'm the singer. I guess you can say I'm the leader of the band."

"But… you don't _write _the music," Murdoc says, somewhat annoyed.

"Of course not," Liam snaps back. "I have _slaves _to do _that_."

"Charlie?"

"Well, duh, he's been a slave from the get-go."

(Individual Interviews: Patrick)

Jeremy is interviewing Patrick alone. They are just sitting across from each other, staring into space.

"Hey, Jeremy?" Patrick asks suddenly.

"What, Pat?"

"Have you ever been to Alaska?"

"No."

"Do you know what they wear chuckles.

(Individual Interviews: Charlie)

Murdoc and Jeremy are sitting across from Charlie, who has empty pie tins all around him.

"Why don't you tell us something about the band?"

"Like what?"

"Like any funny stories, how you guys met."

Charlie tilts his head thoughtfully. In the light, he resembles some sort of chimp. His large ears and stubbly beard resembles some sort of gorilla…

"Oh, here's a funny one…"

(Individual Interviews: Sinjin)

Murdoc is interviewing Sinjin on her own. She watches Sinjin put some drops in his eyes, and then hastily put his sunglasses back on.

"Why'd you do that?" she asks curiously.

"Well," he says, rubbing his eyes and bumping the shades off again. "It's not a funny story…"

(Individual Interviews: Liam)

"Oh, this is hysterical," Liam says, taking a drag from his fag. "I was sixteen, and we had just welcomed Sinjin into the band."

(Sinjin)

"And Charlie had read this stupid article about how David Bowie had got two different colored eyes."

(Charlie)

"I never knew he got them from a school fight," Charlie said excitedly. "So I thought-"

(Liam)

"'We should DO this! I mean-"

(Sinjin)

"-it was an absolutely STUPID idea…"

(Charlie)

"So we all drew straws. Well, with the exception of Liam, who thought that-"

(Liam)

"I can't get beaten up! I'm the lead singer! I HAVE to look good!"

(Charlie)

"So we all drew straws-"

(Sinjin)

"And I lost, and everyone ganged up on me-"

(Liam)

"We totally beat the crap out of him-"

(Patrick)

"Macadamia!"

"Galoshes!"

"Gazebo!"

(Liam)

"I mean, he practically went blind, but we did it."

(Charlie)

"I still wonder whether bashing his face in with that bin of toxic waste was a good idea…"

(Sinjin)

"My eyes glow in the dark!"

(Liam)

"Like a cat…"

(Charlie)

"I mean, they're _three _colors sometimes…"

(Liam)

"And if he doesn't cry six times a day his eyes will fall out…"

(Sinjin)

Sinjin is holding his head and his shoulders are shaking.

"Sinjin… Are you crying?"

"No," he says. "My tear ducts are just leaking again."

He looks up. Blood is running down his face from under his sunglasses. Murdoc stares openmouthed in horror.

(Liam)

Liam sighs deeply and a cloud of smoke comes from his mouth.

"Good times… good times…"

A voice from a speaker above interrupts the interview.

"Um, attention, all passengers. We have a, uh, small emergency on the bus. Our maid, Valencia, is somewhere missing on the, um, bus premises. Everyone should be on the look out," Meat Loaf's voice comes from the intercom.

"What?" Charlie screams. "She's gone! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Ted comes out of the bathroom, toilet paper stuck to one of his shiny boots.

"What the bloody hell is going on here?"

"Ted!" Charlie exclaims, flaying his arms around. "Valencia's missing!"

"What?"

"I said, Val-"

"Shut up, that was a rhetorical question!"

"Well, what are we going to do, Ted?" Patrick asks.

"I… don't….know!" Ted says dramatically, staring at the camera.

Meat Loaf's voice comes over the P.A. system:

"Dah-dah- DAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

A/N: I finally realized what I can call this little project. It's like…. a "reality sitcom". So there is no plot required. Just a lot of people to watch it or it'll get cancelled. Next chapter: Before the band goes to the States, they perform one last show in Finland, and things go haywire. …Oh, and Charlie shows off the ELEVEN amp.


	7. Pump It Up

A/N: This is the band parody to end all band parodies.

xThis Is Drive Shaftx

(Vaasa, Finland)

A police car is outside the tour bus. Inside the bus, Sinjin is standing by the bar, stirring a cup of coffee and staring ahead. Liam is talking to an attractive female officer, and Charlie is sitting on the large red couch, looking miserable. Ted is being interrogated by an officer, Meat Loaf standing right behind him.

"Did you find her? Do you have any idea where she might be?" Ted asks earnestly.

"No clue," the mustached officer says. "And we have absolutely no leads at all. This is quite strange, really. We've never had anyone get lost in their own house, and it's even more peculiar in a bus."

A young officer walks over to the mustached man and whispers something in his ear.

"What? Have you found her?" Ted asks anxiously.

"No," the officer says seriously. "It has come to our attention that this bus has no emergency exits. Is this true?"

Ted turns to Meat Loaf. Meat Loaf looks confused.

"What? But I could've sworn one was here when I got the bus…"

"So the bus is yours, then?" the officer asks.

"Yes, but there is an exit somewhere on the bus, I know there is. It's just…"

"Well, we have searched this bus extensively and have found no trace of a maid or an emergency exit," the officer says. "So, we have reason to believe that this is all just a hoax to get your pitiful band some publicity. But, having an emergency exit is the law, and I'm afraid you have broken it."

The man scribbles something on a notepad, rips out the page, and hands it to Meat Loaf.

"See you in Finnish court."

He tips his hat at Ted and Meat Loaf, barks an order to the other two officers in Finnish, and they follow him out the bus.

"What was _that_?" Ted asks incredulously.

"I don't know," Sinjin says, ripping the paper out of Meat Loaf's hand. "But we sure as hell aren't _pitiful_."

He then takes a bite out of the paper, chews it, and swallows loudly.

"I agree," Liam says. "Meat Loaf, let's get out of here."

"But what about Valencia?" Charlie moans.

"I've got an idea!" Patrick screams, startling everyone. "The policeman said that the exits on the bus were missing, and Meat Loaf said he knew they were there-"

"Actually, I was bluffing," Meat Loaf interrupts.

Everyone stares at him.

"What? I know the Finnish law better than anyone!"

More staring silence.

"But I'm definitely sure we've got emergency exits. …Somewhere."

"Well," Patrick says, a crazed look in his eye, "if we find the emergency exits, we _might find Valencia_!"

Everyone seems to be thinking about this.

"You know, Patrick?" Liam says. "The next time you have a thought, let it go."

"Wait, wait, wait," Jeremy says. "I think he may be on to something."

Several of the crew members nod and mutter in agreement. Everyone else is staring at Liam apprehensively.

"Oh, all right," Liam sighs. "But… How long can someone last without food or water?" he asks Murdoc.

"Uh, a week, I think."

"All right. You've got a week."

(Backstage)

Murdoc and Charlie are in a room filled with guitars.

"Do you play all…? I mean, do you play all of these?" Murdoc asks.

"Well, I play them and I cherish them."

"Uh huh."

"This, this is the top of the heap right here," Charlie picks up a guitar. "There's no question about it. Look at the…look at the flame on this one."

"Yes."

"I mean, it's just…quite unbelievable. This one is just, just perfect… 1979…it's just, you can, you know… Listen!"

"How much does this-"

"Just listen for a minute…"

"I'm not…"

"The sustain… just listen…"

"I'm not hearing anything."

"You would, though, if it were playing. Because it's really… famous for it's sustain. I mean, you could just hold it…"

"So you don't…?"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaa," Charlie sings softly. "You could go and have a bite and…. Aaaaaaaa… You could still be hearing that one. Could you hold this for a sec?"

"Sure," answers a very confused Murdoc.

"This one," he points at another guitar. "Is a custom three-pickup- Paul. This is my radio…unit."

"Oh, I see."

"So I strap this… this piece on, you know," he fiddles with strap. "Right down here when I'm on stage and…"

"It's a wireless," Murdoc observes.

"Wireless. Exactly. And…I can play without all that mucky muck."

"You can run anywhere on stage with that."

"Exactly."

He walks over to yet another guitar, this one with the price tag still on.

"Now, this is special, too. See? It's even got the tag still on it. Never even been played."

"So, you just bought it and…" Murdoc reaches for the guitar.

"Don't touch it!" Charlie squeals. "Don't touch it! No one…no one can… Don't touch it."

"I wasn't going to touch it. I was just… I was just pointing."

"Well, don't point."

"Don't even point?"

"No. It can't be played. Never."

"Can I look at it?"

"No," Charlie says, stepping in front of the guitar. "You've seen enough of that one."

"Don't look at it," Murdoc mutters to herself.

"Then there's this," Charlie says, walking to a selection of amps in a corner, tapping the side of the one closest to him. "We use this one on stage. It's very special, because if you can see… All the numbers got to eleven. See? Right across the board."

"I see."

"Eleven…eleven…eleven."

"And most of these amps go up to ten."

"Exactly."

"Does that mean… it's louder?"

"Well, it's one louder, isn't it? It's not ten. You see, most blokes, you know, will be playing at ten. You're on ten here…all the way up…"

"Yeah…"

"All the way up… You're on ten on your guitar. Where can you go from there? Where?"

"I don't know…."

"Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is if we need that extra…push over the cliff… You know what we do?"

"Put it up to eleven."

"Eleven. Exactly. One louder."

"Why don't you just make ten louder and make ten be the top…number…and make that be the loudest?"

Charlie takes a minute to soak this in. He taps the amp again.

"But these go to eleven."

(Later That Day, Tour Bus)

"And then she said, 'Why don't you just make ten the loudest?', or something like that, and I was like, 'But this is an eleven', and she doesn't appreciate at all what-"

Charlie is still confused and somewhat angered by the incident earlier. So he complains to his brother.

"Yeah, yeah, Charlie, I'll talk to you later…"

"I got it!" Patrick screams suddenly, coming out of nowhere.

"Where the hell did you come from?" Liam yells.

"Never mind that," Patrick says hastily. "I've finally discovered where Valencia is!"

"You have?" Charlie asks earnestly. "Well, where is she?"

"She's in a parallel universe," Patrick grins broadly. "And the door to that universe is the missing emergency exit!"

"You're an idiot," Liam snaps, advancing toward Patrick.

"Wait, wait! It's true!" Patrick cowers, shielding his eyes. "I've even got a professional opinion!"

"What? From who?"

The bus door opens and someone walks in slowly.

"From me."

-To be continued…-

A/N: Stay tuned for the next chappie, when a lot of weird stuff goes on in the rescue of Valencia. Till then… review?


	8. Immigrant Song

A/N: This is the band parody to end all band parodies.

xThis Is Drive Shaftx

(Vaasa, Finland)

A small, stout woman looks up at the members of Drive Shaft and the camera crew. There is a moment of stony silence, to be broken by the high pitched scream of Charlie.

"You!" he points an accusing finger at the small woman. "You're the Poltergeist lady!"

Murdoc steps on the bus.

"Hey, guys, what's going- Holy crap, it's the Poltergeist lady!"

"I have a name, you know," the high-pitched voice says crossly.

"Whatever, Poltergeist lady," Murdoc says, walking past the lady.

"Guys, this is Zelda. She's going to help us find Valencia."

"Not her!" Charlie screams.

"Shut up!" Liam hisses.

"No! She scared me more than any of the monsters! She… she's the devil! She's the one that awaits you in the fires of Hell! Liam! Even you said so!"

Liam grimaces, then smiles.

"Charlie, dear brother, you _must_ have been mistaken. I _never_ would have said anything of the sort…"

"Yes, you did! You said she would bring the apocalypse! You said-"

"SHUT UP, YOU SON OF A-"

(0ne hour later)

"I don't like this…."

"Oh, don't stand next to me, you big baby…"

"But, Liam…"

"Charlie, get you ass over here."

The bus is dark, and the beams of seven flashlights are lighting the bus in all directions. Charlie is cowering next to Meat Loaf, who looks annoyed and is flashlightless. This is because Charlie is clutching two, and looks as if he's prepared to strike at anything that moves.

Sinjin and Liam are in front of Charlie. Liam has his hood up and keeps turning around to frighten Charlie by illuminating his already gaunt face and saying things in a vicious and foreign tongue. Sinjin also has his hood up, but his flashlight is hung loosely at his side and he keeps wiping his eyes with his sleeve.

In front of Sinjin and Liam are Jeremy and Murdoc. Murdoc has her arms crossed and keeps whispering to Jeremy.

"Jeremy, stop touching my arm!"

"S-s-sorry," Jeremy stammers.

"Jer, are you stuttering?"

"Y-yes."

"Why? Afraid?" Murdoc leers.

"No. Liam t-took my jacket. It's fl-flippin' c-cold."

"Oh."

Murdoc's arm brushes Jeremy's.

Leading the group is Zelda and Patrick. Patrick keeps flashing his light at random areas and saying, "There?"

"No," Zelda says for the twenty second time. "I feel something… Coming from there."

Everyone looks at where she's pointing, upstairs.

"Why would someone put the emergency exit up there?" Jeremy asks.

"Those Spice Girls were out of their minds," Meat Loaf says.

The response to this is various nods and mutters of agreement.

The group follows Zelda up the stairs and all squeeze together in front of the locked door.

"Here," Zelda says, "I sense a very powerful aura. Tell me, what lies beyond this door?"

"No one knows," Liam answers. "That door's been locked since we got here."

"Oh, that door?" Meat Loaf says. "I've had the key for it in my pocket."

He pulls out a key from his shirt pocket.

"You've had that all this time?" Charlie asked. "And you've never told us?"

"Well, you've never asked."

"Never mind that!" Zelda snaps. Her tone changes dramatically. "Give me the key."

"Fine," Meat Loaf tosses her the key.

She puts the key in the lock and slowly turns the knob. Everyone gasps as a white light starts to shine from behind the door. The door is shut immediately and locked, and the gasp turns into a disappointed "awww".

"Why'd you do that?" Patrick asks.

"To make sure whether it was a parallel universe or not," Zelda answers.

"It obviously is, didn't you see the light?" Liam says, rolling his eyes.

"Well, someone could've left their refrigerator open."

"WHAT?"

"Hey, I've seen it happen before," Zelda shrugs.

"Well, what are we going to do?" Charlie asks hesitantly.

"We need to decide who's going in there."

Everyone looks around nervously.

"Should we… draw straws?" Jeremy asks.

"No," Zelda says, examining the door. "It needs to be someone skinny… and it would help if he's tall, too."

Murdoc takes a step backward, and so does Charlie, Patrick, Meat Loaf, and Sinjin. Jeremy, who fits the description perfectly, is dragged back by Murdoc.

"Well, I'm so glad we have a volunteer," Zelda grins.

Liam looks around at his peers, who are all a good two feet behind him.

"You people SUCK!"

(Fifteen Minutes Later)

Charlie is adjusting the rope around Liam's waist. He looks significantly paler than usual, and there is a hint of nervousness in his voice.

"So… What am I supposed to be doing again?"

"It's simple, really," Zelda explains. "All you have to do is go through there and find Valencia, and… bring her back."

"Gee, that's informative," Liam says.

"Well, how am I supposed to know?" Zelda snaps. "_I've_ never done it."

"Hold on," Charlie says. "You mean you don't know what's in there?"

"Has anyone ever done this before? Am I going to die?" Liam says, very scared now.

"Kenny, are we rolling?" Murdoc whispers to the camera crew.

"Don't worry," Zelda says. "I've seen people do this fifty times, they always come out alive."

"Fifty isn't really a big number," Charlie says uncertainly.

"Well, I don't come by enchanted emergency exits very often!" Zelda spits. "Liam, you're going to go in there, do whatever, and come out! Now, I'm not sure where exactly you're going to come out, so everyone be on the lookout!"

She advances on Liam and he gives out a high pitched squeal.

"Wait!" Meat Loaf says. "Hold on! Shouldn't we go over the tugs?"

"The what?"

"The tugs. You know, if you're in trouble, you tug on the rope a certain number of times, and we pull you back."

"Alright. Liam, tug three times if you can't go any farther and need to be brought back. Tug once if you've found Valencia. If you run into any 'trouble', tug five times really fast," Zelda says all this rapidly.

"Wait, I don't-"

He's shoved through the door and disappears. Everyone grabs hold of the rope. Five minutes pass…ten… Twenty minutes after Liam embarked on his journey, everyone is now sitting on chairs, the rope spread on everyone's lap. Everyone except for Meat Loaf, who has the rope tied around one of his hands. Murdoc is holding a notebook.

"No comprendo," she reads.

"No comprendo," everyone repeats.

"Repita por favor," she reads.

"Repita-"

There is a large tug and everyone grabs the rope as Meat Loaf jerks forward.

"I forgot what one tug meant!" Murdoc wails.

"Whoever pulled it, it was too strong to be Liam!" Charlie says.

Everyone pulls the rope and it looks like a ridiculous game of Tug-O-War. The rope will slip out of their hands every few seconds and they'll have to grab it again. Charlie is so engrossed in this that he completely ignores someone tapping his shoulder.

"Oh, what now, Pat-"

He lets go of the rope in surprise. Valencia is staring at him, a concerned look on her face.

"Valencia?"

She starts speaking Spanish and frantically waving her arms. Charlie grabs her shoulders and starts shaking her.

"Valencia, where's Liam? WHERE IS HE!"

She points down the stairs and beckons them to follow. Charlie follows, and Murdoc, telling the others to keep holding on, beckons the cameras to follow her down the stairs too.

Downstairs they find quite a strange sight. Liam still has the rope around his waist, but it is now coming from the solid ceiling.

"Tell them to-"

"PULL!" Meat Loaf yells from the second floor.

Liam is pulled upward, and his body smacks the ceiling with a loud thud.

"Stop… Let go…"

"PULL!"

This time, Liam's head hits the ceiling and his body goes rigid.

"LET GO!" Valencia cries.

Liam is dropped and falls the six feet like a sack of potatoes. Murdoc stares at Valencia.

"You… you speak English?"

"Well, I guess I do now," Valencia says. "That paranormal universe must have had some weird effect on me so that now I speak English."

"So… we can talk to you now?"

"Que?"

"_Liam!_"

Charlie stumbles and falls down the stairs, then crawls over to his brother.

"Charlie, is he alright?" Jeremy asks.

"Check his pulse!" Sinjin says.

Charlie listens intently to Liam's wrist.

"I'm not hearing anything!"

Amidst all the chaos, Ted boards the bus, wearing a Hawaiian shirt and sun tan lotion on his nose.

"Are you ready for- WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?"

Everyone stops what they're doing and looks at Ted nervously.

"Well?"

Patrick slaps Liam's face.

A/N: ….I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. Tune in for next chapter, where the band has to get out of another ridiculous situation, only this time in the U.S. of A!


	9. Another One Bites The Dust

A/N: This is the band parody to end all band parodies.

xThis Is Drive Shaftx

(Flight from Vassa, Finland to Massachusetts, USA)

Charlie is standing in front of a curtain and pacing. Murdoc walks over to him.

"How is he?" she asks.

"He still hasn't woken up," Charlie whispers, biting his nails. "That doctor bloke is still examining him."

He glances at the curtain nervously.

"Uh, how are the others?" he asks.

"They're watching _Space Balls_."

"Oh."

Murdoc sighs and kicks the floor.

"Listen, Charlie, I get the feeling that this is all my fault-"

"Well, why shouldn't you? It is, after all."

"What?"

"He doesn't act like this normally, you know," Charlie hisses. "He gets real cocky around cameras, and you just had to-"

"I'm filming a documentary, what do you expect?"

"Hey, you know even though we're supposed to be quiet during shooting, I think your tone toward us is a little bit rude," says the cameraman.

"No…. Kenny, right? I wasn't talking about you," Charlie says calmly to the cameraman. He then glares at Murdoc. "I was talking about your half wit director here."

Murdoc literally jumps on Charlie, sending them both crashing to the floor. The camera is still focused on the curtain, but the sounds of the two scuffling on the floor can be heard. The doctor pulls open the curtain, looks around, then looks down.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

Murdoc and Charlie slowly get to their feet. Charlie's hair is a mess, and Murdoc's jacket sleeve is ripped.

"We were just…" Murdoc begins, and suddenly slaps Charlie across the face. Charlie literally snaps at Murdoc, and his teeth make contact with her face.

Murdoc swears loudly, massaging her cheek. "Did you just _bite _my face?"

"I'm sorry," Charlie blushes. "I do that sometimes."

"What the _hell _is wrong with you?"

"I… I get carried away sometimes with people."

"So you bite their face?"

"I'm so sorry," Charlie says, reaching for her face, but she backs away quickly.

"Good Gandalf! Bloody…"

"Okay, that's enough, I barely touched you."

"Shut up, you don't know the pain I'm going through…"

"Oh, be serious…"

The doctor clears his throat loudly.

"Mr. Pace? Could you come in here for a minute?"

Charlie goes through the curtains, does a double take, and grabs Murdoc's arm and drags her inside with him. Inside, Liam is sprawled out on the couch, still unconscious. The doctor turns around.

"Now, I need you to tell me exactly how this happened," the doctor says.

"We told you already…"

"Yeah, your friends' story wasn't exactly clear," the doctor says. "Something about falling down the stairs and hitting the ceiling."

Murdoc and Charlie glance at each other.

"It was a really wild party," Murdoc says.

"Okay," the doctor sighs, rubbing his temples. "At first I thought something hit your brother in the head, but then I saw he had a few scrapes on his face, so my conclusion is that Liam was hit with something, and then he turned around while falling and fell on some pavement?"

"Yeah, that's what happened," Charlie says.

"Charlie, you do realize that the odds of that are one in a billion?"

"Trust me; the odds of what really happened are one in a trillion."

The doctor looks at Charlie with a look of skepticism. He sighs and takes out a pad.

"Okay, I'm going to ask you a few questions about Liam," he explains. "Just answer to the best of your ability."

"Um, alright."

"Do you know if Liam has ever done any drugs?"

"Yes."

"Ever gotten a sexually transmitted disease?"

"I don't know," Charlie says, embarrassed.

"Well, what do you assume?"

"Let's assume away," Murdoc says.

"Okay. Does Liam have any health problems I should be aware of?"

"No."

"Is he going to be alright, Doc?" Murdoc asks.

"I don't really know," the doctor says. "He seems to be in pretty bad shape. I doubt he'll end up being the same ever again."

"What?" Charlie exclaims, seriously scared now.

"I've seen people become slightly narcoleptic after head injuries like that."

"He's going to see into the future?" Charlie exclaimed.

There was a moment of awkward silence.

"…No," the doctor says.

"Narcoleptic is when you fall asleep at random times, Charlie," Murdoc says.

"Oh…Is that bad?"

(Plymouth, Massachusetts)

The band and Murdoc's crew are at a Starbuck's. Liam is slowly drinking a cup of coffee. He is wearing sunglasses and has a band-aid on his forehead.

"Since our Boston gig was canceled we have got three days to relax and explore," Charlie says, putting an arm over his brother. Liam's head slumps onto Charlie's shoulder.

"Did Dr. Shephard say how long he'd be like this?" he asks Murdoc.

"I think he said it was permanent."

Charlie looks at Liam sadly.

"But I think he mentioned it happening more during the first couple of days… Or was it every day after that…."

Liam wakes up abruptly.

"Walk this way!" he sings.

"Right," Murdoc says. "We've got three days to find a temporary back up lead singer."

A/N: This chapter was… the next step after the previous chapter but a step behind the next. …Then again, that's what a chapter is. Next step: Drive Shaft discovers a Drive Shaft cover band called Lane Shift.


	10. Somebody Else

A/N: REAL acounts. Of a FAKE band.

xThis Is Drive Shaftx

(Tour Bus, Somewhere in Massachusetts)

Jeremy is playing Candy Land with Liam, who takes very long pauses before moving his tiny blue character along the rainbow colored board. Charlie and Sinjin are playing video games. Patrick is fully engrossed with fiddling and poking a block of cheese at the bar.

"Jin, what does that mean?" Charlie asks.

"It means you've already been there."

"I thought that color meant I was already there."

"No, the beige color means you were already there. The khaki color means where you are right now."

They continue to play, and there is only the sound of the rattling of the controllers and various yells in the game.

"Voila!" Patrick cries suddenly.

"What, Pat?" Jeremy asks.

"It is done!" Patrick says dramatically, waving the cheese block around, which has taken on a considerably different shape.

"Oh, don't tell me it's-" Charlie begins, but stops when Liam slowly droops and falls asleep on the game.

"_Cheesus!_" Patrick cries with relish. He places the block next to Liam's head. Sure enough, it's a perfect replica of the biblical figure…. made of cheese.

"What…What is he doing?" Jeremy asks Patrick.

"He's tying his sandals," Patrick answers proudly.

The small figure is sitting on a small stool, and he is tying shoelaces, which, for some reason, are attached to his flip flops.

"Um…wow," Jeremy says.

"Yeah, Pat's got a degree in art," Charlie explains, hoisting his brother up and trying to lift him to the couch.

"You do?"

"Yep."

"Well….why are you here?"

"I like hitting things," Pat shrugs. "Charlie, let me do that."

Patrick sweeps Liam up easily and lays him on the couch effortlessly. Charlie glares at him enviously.

"Where's Murdoc today?" he asks, not taking his eyes off Pat, who is completely oblivious to Charlie's stare.

"Oh, she couldn't make it today," Jeremy says. "Something about a meeting, or something like that."

(A Few Hours Earlier)

Murdoc is standing in an office, hovering over a phone. Someone is on speakerphone.

"-so the bank isn't going to let you going to take out another loan, and you need at least 35 hundred to finish this, not counting editing and all that mucky muck."

"Last time I checked, it was _your_ job to keep all the finances in check, Mr. Executive Producer…" Murdoc snaps at the machine.

"Well, you caught me at a bad time…"

"You _told_ me you had the money!"

"Well, I did."

"And?"

"I…. spent it?"

"On what?"

"Well…."

"Oh, not another weird porn film, Indie…"

"No…"

"Then what?"

There was a pause.

"Okay, it was a porno, but I…" Indie hastily explains.

"I don't want to hear it," Murdoc sighs. "What am I supposed to do now?"

"Find someone to produce your film."

"How?"

"Beats me. But I believe in you, you've got connections."

"If I had connections, you'd be dead by now."

"What about Gotham?"

"Gotham won't trust me with anything since I tried helping her choking grandmother. Honestly, how was I supposed to know she had emphysema?"

(Outside Plymouth North High, MA)

"Okay," Charlie says, putting a cell phone in her pocket. "I just talked to Murdoc. She said that this was a good place to start. She did mention something about if anyone asks us about socks, to change the subject, or run away. You have any idea what she's talking about?"

"Nope," Jeremy answers, than thinks a little. "I'm Canadian."

"Really?" Charlie asks.

"Yeah."

"Well…. Where in Canada?"

"Someplace really cold."

"Yeah, we're British. We're from someplace really rainy."

"Hey, guys, look," Sinjin calls.

He points at a sign over the High School. The sign reads: TODAY, PUPPET SHOW. Underneath that, in slightly smaller letters, is: LAME SHIT.

Charlie laughs.

"Looks like someone's getting sued."

Everyone laughs.

(In Murdoc's Office)

Murdoc is talking on the phone, once again, on speakerphone.

"Hello?" an old woman's feeble voice answers.

"Yes, Ms. Merrin. It's Murdoc Darkness. I used to work for you."

"Ah, the Satanist. I remember you."

Murdoc rolls her eyes.

"I was wondering if you were interested in-"

"You sound funny."

"I do? Never mind, Ms. Merrin-"

"Are you in a well?"

"What?"

"You sound like you're in a well."

"No, I'm not in a well, I'm on-"

"Are you sure you're not in a well?"

There was a significant pause.

"Yes, I am in a well, Ms. Merrin. But luckily, there's a phone down here."

(Inside school auditorium)

Drive Shaft is sitting behind a table, watching the puppet show. Jeremy and the camera crew go backstage, where they see a scruffy looking teen in a tie pacing around.

"Uh, do you know when, uh, Lame Shit is playing?" he asks the teen.

"Oh, don't tell me they screwed the sign up again!" the teen exclaims. He looks up at the camera crew. "Who are you?"

"We're filming a documentary, and we're looking for a lead singer for a band," Jeremy explains.

"Well, you've come to the right place," the teen says in a professional manner, extending his hand. "I'm Killian Stone, and I'm _Lane Shift_'s manager."

"Lane Shift? What do they play?" Jeremy asks, shaking the kid's hand.

"Cover band, mostly," Killian answers. "Mostly Drive Shaft."

"I see," Jeremy says. "Well, when do they come on?"

"Right after the puppet show."

They hear scattered applause and cheers from the audience.

"Which should be in about five minutes."

"Well, we'll be watching. And…. Don't tell them we're here, okay? We don't want to throw anyone's performance off."

"Gotcha," Killian winks and walks off. The minute he's out of sight, Jeremy sprints back to the table the band's sitting at.

"It's a cover band!" he says. "Of you guys! And their name's Lane Shift, by the way."

Killian goes on stage and announces that Lane Shift will be out shortly. Many people start to leave.

"I'm just going to assume the sign wasn't just a misprint," Sinjin says, watching a group of laughing teenagers point and joke at Killian.

"I just hope they don't suck," Charlie says. "I hate it when cover bands suck."

"I… didn't tell them you guys were here," Jeremy says. "Is that bad?"

"Yes!" Patrick and Sinjin say in unison.

"Honestly, Jeremy, when bands know there are important people in the audience, they perform better," Charlie says.

"Well…Maybe they'll be great without knowing. Maybe they're even better when they don't know," Jeremy says.

"This is going to be-" Charlie begins, but is cut off by Killian, who is testing the microphone while the band sets up behind him.

"Ladies and gentlemen…"

"You suck!" someone from the group yells.

"Shove it, Rooney," Killian snaps, losing his professional manner. He coughs and gets it back again. "I give you… Lane Shift!"

The band starts playing, and they look like your typical garage high school band. Well, except for their lead singer, who looks just like Liam….. If Liam weighed 500 pounds. Charlie glances at his brother, and sighs with relief when he sees that he has fallen asleep again. He watches Liam sleeping, but then looks up at the band with rapt attention. This is because the singer has started singing, and he is actually pretty good. Very good. Possibly too good. He's great, and he sounds just like Liam. The band finishes their song ("Oliver's Army"), and Charlie stands up along with Sinjin, Jeremy, and Patrick to clap and cheer.

(Later, in tour bus)

"You were great, Greg, you really were."

The band has brought Greg, the lead singer from Lane Shift, and is hanging out on the bus. Sinjin is telling the story of his eyes and Patrick is waving his cheese block around and gloating. Charlie is in the bathroom and Liam is sprawled out on the couch, once again asleep.

"This is great, you guys," Greg says. "But… why do you need a new lead singer?"

Liam rolls off the couch, still asleep.

"Well…" Jeremy starts, and Charlie, coming out of the bathroom, finishes the sentence.

"We don't need a _new_ singer. We just need…. a backup singer!" he says.

Greg looks from Jeremy to Charlie, both wearing broad grins on their faces and uneasy looks in their eyes.

"Okay, what's wrong with Liam?" he asks.

"Nothing," Liam yawns, getting up and rubbing his back. He freezes when he sees Greg. "Who….Who are you?"

Greg opens his mouth to respond, but Charlie cuts him off.

"Liam, this is Greg. He, well, he can sing really great, and we decided-"

"Oh, no bloody way!" Liam shouts. "There is no way HE'S singing MY songs. If you think you can replace me with this _elephant_, you've got another thing coming!"

Jeremy and Sinjin grimace at these words. Patrick lets out an over exaggerated gasp and flings his arms about. Greg just looks down into his lap and sighs.

"_WHAT?_" Charlie hisses, stepping closer to Liam. "_Your_ music? YOUR music? Last time I checked, _I _wrote everything. Last time I checked, _we_ play all the instruments and do all the real work, and you just stand around and look pretty!"

Charlie and Liam exchange the look of Death. Charlie looks somewhat relieved that he finally got that off his chest, and Liam glances from Charlie to Patrick and Sinjin, with a look of fear on his face.

"What's going on?"

Murdoc is in the doorway, staring at everyone with a confused look on her face. She spots Greg, and cocks and eyebrow at Jeremy. Liam grunts and walks past Charlie, shoving him aside in the process, and grabs Murdoc's sleeve and rips her outside.

"Liam, what the hell-?" she says when the bus door shuts behind them.

"Did you see that fat bastard they're trying to replace me with?" he hissed.

"I know, Liam, this is all my fault. I f I hadn't left…"

"Too right, it's all your fault. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be like this!" He takes a cigarette out of his pocket.

"Say that again, you ponce," Murdoc says.

Liam looks up. Murdoc has her fists up.

"Oh, Murdoc, come off it."

"Heck no," she answers, hopping from foot to foot. "I know you boys play dirty."

"What?"

"Your brother bit me!"

"He did?" Liam asks, so sincerely that Murdoc stops jumping.

"Yeah," she pouts.

"Where?"

"Right here," Murdoc says, pointing to her cheek.

"Oh, poor you…" Liam says, walking closer to Murdoc. Suddenly, he bites her face.

"You too?" Murdoc cries, massaging her face.

"Well, Charlie learned from the best," Liam grins.

Expecting Murdoc to whine about her face longer, he is completely caught off guard when Murdoc hand shoots out and punches him in the mouth. His lip busted, he jumps at Murdoc and they start really fighting. Liam wrestles her to the ground and, once again, the camera does not follow them to the ground, but continues filming the side of the bus.

(To ensure the reality of a film, it is the documentarian's job to not interfere with the subjects on film)

The sounds of the two are rather graphic.

After ten minutes,a cop car drives past, stops, and two policemen and a camera crew comes out.

The cops are yelling things, but it isn't audible because the two camera crews are talking to each other.

"Hey, Chad, I didn't know you were working on Cops!"

"Yeah, yeah, me and Brendan are doing great," the sound guy waves. "And…What is this, an Indie?"

"Doc. So, how's the wife?"

(Police station)

Murdoc and Liam are both handcuffed and sitting on different ends of a bench. Liam's lip is swollen and the bruise on his forehead has spread to cover his eye and cheek. Murdoc's cheeks are covered with scratches and she has a black eye coming on.

"Well, well, well," a man comes in and sits down. He resembles a hobbit, from his curly blonde hair to his large green eyes, and would probably play the role perfectly if he weren't over six feet tall. Liam looks at him sulkily, and Murdoc doesn't even look up.

"Geez, Murdoc. Indie told me you were desperate, but _this_ desperate?" the man says, flipping through a file.

Murdoc looks up, and her remaining eye widens in surprise.

"Dean?" she says.

Liam looks up at her, than Dean.

"You know him?" he asks.

"We used to work together," Dean says.

"We thought you died," Murdoc says disbelievingly.

Dean looks at her for a moment.

"Well… that's not important now. What is important is that Liam here is facing a rape charge."

"_WHAT?"_ Murdoc and Liam exclaim in unison.

"Listen, maybe that's not what it was, I'm not going to ask questions," Dean explains. "But, the point is, they found you on the ground, and Liam had his pants down, and you were pretty beaten up…"

Murdoc gapes at Dean. Liam looks down at his pants, which are ripped and dirty. Any buttons that were there are missing, and the zipper has been ripped off. Evidently, someone tried fixing this problem by putting duct tape on it.

"When the hell did that happen? Did I pass out again?" he cries angrily.

"You were unconscious when they brought you in."

"Well, that whore broke my pants!" he yells. Murdoc glares at him. "If anyone was raped, it was me!" he continues.

"Well, it's Murdoc's decision to press charges," Dean explains. "If nothing happened, I'll just pay the bail and this'll just go down as a little scuffle."

Murdoc looks at Liam, and looks at the door behind him. Charlie is waving behind the small glass square.

"Fine," she says. "On one account. Liam, you have to apologize."

"I'm so-"

"Not to me," Murdoc cuts him off. "To your brother. And to Greg."

Liam sighs.

"Fine."

A/N: ….This chapter could've gone in nine zillion different directions, and I chose the one where they end up getting arrested. This chapter is really flipping long too. Anyhoo, next chappie, the band performs for the first time since Liam's accident. Will their back-up lead singer plan work?


	11. Explosivo

A/N: The REAL accounts. Of a FAKE band.

xThis Is Drive Shaftx

(Outside Tour Bus)

Patrick and Charlie are sitting on a curb a few blocks from the high school.

"I don't know if they did it," Charlie says. "All I know is that Liam's really into that kinky stuff, and Murdoc…. Well, Murdoc…. I just don't know. You guys were there, weren't you?"

The camera crew doesn't answer. Charlie turns to Patrick, who is playing with a stick.

"Pat, what are you doing?" Charlie asks.

"I found this stick," Patrick answers.

"That's a pretty weird looking stick," Charlie says. "Can I look at it?"

Charlie examines the stick, twirling it around. He suddenly stops.

"Pat, this is a bone."

"What?"

"Where did you get this?"

"Well, it was right on the ground…"

Charlie holds the bone in front of the camera.

"We've got to get out of this place."

(Inside Concert Hall)

Murdoc stumbles past a group of people carrying amps. She is still quite bruised, and she has a bottle of Tylenol in her hand. She takes a swig.

"Non-drowsy, my ass," she says, chucking the now empty bottle.

Jeremy walks up to her.

"What the hell happened last night?" he cries.

"What do you think?"

"I don't know what to think!" he says. "All I know is that you and Liam left, and twenty minutes later the cops showed up!"

"Mmm… Well, that's it in a nutshell," Murdoc says. "Dean!" she calls, completely ignoring Jeremy.

Murdoc hugs Dean, who is holding a bouquet of flowers.

"What are these for?" Murdoc asks.

"Oh, thought they'd make you feel better," he answers. "That's quite a shiner you've got."

He takes a pair of purple sunglasses out of his pocket and puts them on Murdoc. As they joke and laugh, Jeremy stands there wearing a look of absolute hatred.

"Oh, Jeremy, this is Dean," Murdoc says. "He got me and Liam out of that pickle last night."

"Uh huh," Jeremy says.

"Dean, I meant to ask you about that. How did-"

Patrick runs up to them.

"Murdoc, Ted wants you on the bus."

(On the bus)

"Here's the plan," Murdoc said, standing in front of a chart. "Me and Dean came up with it last night."

Drive Shaft, Ted, Jeremy, Greg and Dean are sitting in a circle in the tour bus. Jeremy shoots Dean an evil look.

"We're going to have Liam performing with the band on stage, and Greg is going to be backstage with a mic. Now, if Liam happens to fall asleep, Greg can just start singing for him."

Charlie raises his hand.

"Yes, Charlie?"

"Won't the audience know that he's asleep?"

"I was getting to that. You see, we're going to have Liam tied up by the wrists, so that if he does fall asleep, we can make it look like he's awake."

"So I'm going to be a puppet?" Liam asks.

"Yes, exactly."

Liam gulps.

(Concert Hall, half an hour to Showtime)

The band is playing the dress rehearsal, and Jeremy is watching from backstage.

"Hmph. He thinks he can just take over everything…"

Jeremy is watching Murdoc and Dean talking animatedly across the stage.

"I mean, who is this Dean? And where did he come from? I don't like him."

He bites his fingernails as he stares at the two. Murdoc spots him and waves, beckoning him over. Jeremy freezes, and then bolts out the emergency exit. The band finishes their song.

"I think we're going to pull this off!" Liam yells. The rest of the band cheers. They take a break, and Liam walks backstage.

"Liam, wait!" Murdoc calls.

Liam walks over to her. He's smiling, and he's actually acting quite friendly. It might be the effect of finally performing after such a long time. Or maybe it's all an act.

"Liam, I feel really bad about yesterday," she says.

"Murdoc, I don't care anymore. I'm really trying to forget it as fast as I can."

"But, I wanted to give you something anyway," she says, opening the box at her feet.

"You didn't have to, really…"

Murdoc pulls out a black rabbit. Liam stares at it with sheer childish delight.

"I thought you'd like him," Murdoc says, handing the rabbit to Liam.

"What's its name?" Liam asks.

"I didn't name it," Murdoc says. "But… I did think of something."

"What?"

"The One and Only Billy Shears."

Liam smiles.

"Yeah, I think Billy's good."

(Drive Shaft's performance)

The performance goes better than expected, since Liam didn't fall asleep until the middle of the last song. The audience didn't even notice that Liam's voice went up an octave, or that his arms were flapping like crazy, or that his mouth wasn't even open.

(Tour Bus, Later)

"That went great!" Charlie cheered as they boarded the bus. "Murdoc, you're a genius!"

Murdoc laughs nervously, carrying Billy Shears in her arms.

"Why… We need to celebrate!" he cried. "Meat Loaf!"

"Uh huh?" Meat Loaf says from behind the newspaper he's reading.

"Start the bus! We're going exploring!"

A/N: …..Yeah. The next chapter is going to be flipping funny, when Charlie finds a nice little sushi nook to celebrate.


	12. Time Warp

A/N: The REAL accounts. Of a FAKE band.

xThis Is Drive Shaftx

(Plymouth, MA)

Everyone is on the bus, and Charlie is standing behind the driver's seat, his face dangerously close to Meat Loaf's.

"Charlie, could you back up a tat? I'm trying to drive."

"Sorry, I'm just looking for a good place to stop."

The bus has so far passed six night clubs, three pubs, one Chuckee Cheese, and a buffet for senior citizens.

"Well, it's dangerous to stand in a moving vehicle," Meat Loaf says. "Don't you know that?"

"Yeah, but what's the worst that can happen? It's not like I'm going to fly through the windshield."

"Well, I'm a big follower of superstitions, so just sit and stay put."

Charlie sits down on a bench by the door. Murdoc walks through the bead door.

"Charlie, are we almost there? I… Since when do we have those beads here?"

"Do you like them?" Meat Loaf asks. "I thought they were a nice touch."

"Oh, they're quite nice. You put them up?"

"Yeah, I thought they'd set the mood in the bus. I read an article about-"

"_HERE!"_

The bus stops abruptly, and Murdoc is thrown into the dashboard.

"Nice move, Charlie," she says, rubbing her shoulder, which bumped against the windshield.

"We're here," Charlie says, opening the bus door. Murdoc follows him off the bus, and they look around. They're by the docks, and there is really nothing there except a few boats and a mammoth of a man walking past with fishing gear.

"Charlie, there's nothing here."

Charlie points to a shack with a neon sign over it. The sign says "SUSHI NOOK".

"Sushi Nook?" Murdoc says uncertainly. The sign explodes.

"It's perfect!"

(Inside Sushi Nook)

The Sushi Nook is a little sushi buffet and inside it looks quite presentable. Charlie, Patrick, Sinjin, Meat Loaf, Murdoc, Dean, Jeremy, and Greg are all seated at a large table. Everyone except for Jeremy and Dean are helping themselves to a giant bowl of sushi.

"Want some, Jer?" Murdoc asks.

"No, thanks," Jeremy says. "I don't like sushi."

"Neither do I," Dean says. "My people don't eat sushi."

"I'm sure people in Minnesota eat sushi, Dean," Murdoc says. "Besides, you have to eat something."

"I think I saw an ice cream machine when we came in," Dean says. "How bout it, Jer?"

Jeremy looks at Dean, and at everyone else. He sighs when he realizes no one is paying attention to him.

"Yeah, fine."

They walk past all the empty tables and come across the ice cream machine. Four little Asian children are all trying to reach up to the lever. Jeremy and Dean, both the tall and very considerate men they are, step over the children and hog the ice cream.

"Hey! No fair!" the children squeal.

"YOU WAIT YOUR TURN!" Jeremy and Dean yell at the same time. The children start throwing sprinkles at them. Dean and Jeremy run out, shielding their faces with their jackets. Before they leave, Jeremy goes back and throws a bowl of cherries at them.

"Attention!" a woman on a small stage says. "I just wanted to remind you that tonight is karaoke night! If anyone wants to get their groove on, come on up!"

"Oh, I can't believe Liam is missing this!" Charlie says. "He loves karaoke!"

(On tour bus)

Liam is sleeping on the couch. Behind him, Valencia is vacuuming, wearing headphones and humming.

(On pier)

Jeremy and Dean are walking around the docks, eating their ice cream in silence.

"Do you think they noticed we left?" Jeremy asks.

(In Sushi Nook)

Murdoc and Charlie are singing karaoke.

"Like a bat out of Hell I'll be gone when the morning comes!" they sing together.

(On pier)

"Jeremy, I get the feeling you don't like me."

Jeremy turns away and walks down a dock.

"I don't know where you could've gotten that idea," he says.

Dean watches him walk away. On the back of Jeremy's jacket, someone wrote with white out: DEAN MUST DIE! Dean sighs and follows Jeremy.

"Now, I can't fathom why you wanting to kill me popped into my head," he says. "But I'm just saying that if you've got something against me, just say it."

Jeremy stops walking.

"What, you want to fight?" he asks.

"What?"

"I said, do you want to fight?" Jeremy saying, raising his fists. "Did I stutter?"

Dean stares in disbelief. He laughs, and shakes his head.

"I'm not going to fight you."

"Why not?" Jeremy taunts. "Scared?"

"No, I'm not. I just don't want to fight you."

"Everyone else is fighting," Jeremy says, lowering his fists.

"Yeah, and look what happened to them! No, I'm not going to fight you."

"Fine," Jeremy says, and starts to walk away.

"Damn Canadian," Dean mutters.

Jeremy turns around and kicks Dean in the face.

(In Sushi Nook)

Meat Loaf and Charlie are singing on stage.

"Ain't no doubt about it! Baby got to go out and shout it! Ain't no doubt about it! We were doubly blessed!"

"'Cause we were barely seventeen, and we were barely dressed!" Meat Loaf sings.

(On pier)

Jeremy and Dean are wrestling on the dock and, for once, the camera is following their every move.

"You bastard! Think you can just come out of nowhere and take over!"

Dean is pinned down, and Jeremy is throttling him.

"Think everyone'll like you and you'll be oh so helpful…"

He picks Dean up by the neck, and then slams him back down.

"And thinks that Murdoc will like you, which she does, and take her away and control everything!"

Dean manages to get an arm free and smacks Jeremy off.

"What?" he coughs, massaging his neck.

"You're trying to take Murdoc away!" Jeremy cries.

"Is that what this is about? Listen, I'm not trying to take Murdoc anywhere! I'm…I'm engaged!"

"You… You are?"

"Yeah! And to a guy, of all people!"

"Wha… What?"

"Oh, it's a long story," Dean sighs. "I'm not gay, but… Oh, hell, I need a smoke."

(On bus)

Liam wakes up, startled. He scratches his head, yawns, and slowly stumbles to the bathroom. The sound of him turning the taps and the shower starting fills the bus. Valencia comes down from downstairs, carrying her vacuum and still wearing her headphones. Humming, she takes her things and leaves the bus. Liam continues to shower, then suddenly the sound of several thuds and one loud wet smack is heard.

(In Sushi Nook)

Sinjin stumbles and falls, throwing up all over the place. Behind him, Charlie, Murdoc, and Meat Loaf do the same. Patrick comes out of the men's room, looks around, and let's out a high pitched yell. He runs outside.

(On pier)

Jeremy and Dean are laying side by side, looking at the stars and smoking.

"You're pretty good," Dean sighs.

Jeremy let's out a long trail of smoke.

"You too."

"Guys! Guys!" Patrick yells as he approaches them.

"What, Pat?" Jeremy calls.

"Inside…the place…they're-" Patrick throws up. He stumbles a bit, then attempts to start running. He slips on his own puddle of vomit.

"Uh, we'll come to you!"

"Patrick, what's wrong?" Dean asked, some seven feet from Pat.

"Everyone's sick," Patrick mutters.

"Like you?" Jeremy asks.

Patrick retches and burps.

"Yeah."

Jeremy and Dean stare at Patrick, looks of disgust and confusion on their faces.

"You want us to go… in there?"

Patrick nods.

"I guess so…" Dean says uncertainly, and starts walking toward the Nook.

(In Sushi Nook)

Dean and Jeremy walk into the Nook, and everyone's throwing up. "Time Warp" is playing on the karaoke machine.

"Someone call an ambulance!" Jeremy says.

"Forget an ambulance," Dean says, stepping out of the way of the karaoke woman, spewing like a fountain. "Call a priest!"

_"It's astounding…"_ the radio is playing.

"What the hell are we supposed to do?" Jeremy cries.

The ice cream kids run out from behind the ice cream kids and onto the stage. Dean looks at the stage with an enlightened look on his face.

_"I remember doing the Time Warp…"_

"Well? Any ideas?"

Dean runs to the stage.

"The Time Warp! We have to do the Time Warp!"

"The what?" Jeremy asks.

"The Time Warp! Haven't you seen Rocky Horror Picture Show?"

"Yes, I have, but what is the Time Warp going to do to help?"

"It's going to cure everyone!"

Jeremy looks at Dean suspiciously.

"That wasn't just an ordinary cigarette you were smoking, was it?"

Dean smiles.

"You almost snapped my neck in half, Jer."

"Fair enough," Jeremy says. "So, what's your plan?"

"Just listen to the song!"

_"It's just a jump to the left…"_

Dean jumps to the left, Jeremy does the same.

_"And then a step to the riiiiiight!"_

Dean and Jeremy step to the right.

_"Put your hands on your hips…"_

"This is stupid…" Jeremy mutters.

_"And bring your knees in tiiiiight!"_

_"But it's the pelvic thrust! That really drives you insayayayayane!"_

Everyone stops throwing up and watches Jeremy, Dean, and the children (who are now dressed in an odd wardrobe) all dance. Murdoc starts to dance, too. Everyone else joins in.

(Two Hours Later)

The gang all say their goodbyes to Greg and everyone else in the Sushi Nook. They all start walking towards the bus, singing to "I'm Just A Bill". Meat Loaf walks ahead of them, and opens the bus door (which is odd, since this is the same sort of bus as a public transportation bus, and therefore must be opened from the inside if the door is shut), and water starts to spill out.

"What the-?"

Everyone climbs the steps carefully. Everyone except for Patrick, who attempts to jump from the first step to the third, slips, and falls on Sinjin. Inside the bus, Murdoc, Charlie, Jeremy and Dean all slosh through the inch deep water.

"Why's all this water here?" Murdoc asks.

"Dunno," Charlie says.

Sinjin and Patrick walk through the beads. Patrick; positively spiffing. Sinjin is clutching his face in pain.

"Maybe a ghost did it," Patrick says.

"Don't be stupid, Pat," Charlie says. "We don't have ghosts."

A low moan comes from somewhere in the bus.

"I wouldn't be so sure of that," Jeremy says.

"Wait…" Charlie looks around the bus anxiously. "Where's Liam?"

Another moan.

"It's the ghost!"

"It's Liam!"

"_The ghost has Liam!"_

"No, it's Liam!" Sinjin says angrily. "And he's probably in the bathroom!"

Everyone runs to the bathroom door.

"Wait!" Charlie says. "If he's in the bathroom, and there's water all over the place, he must've been in the shower. And if he was in the shower…"

Everyone stares at him.

"And?"

"Well, he'd be naked, wouldn't he?"

Everyone mutters at this.

"So, who's going in?" Jeremy asks.

"Why don't you go, Charlie?" Murdoc asks.

Charlie cringes. "There's no way I'm going in there."

"Neither am I," Sinjin says.

"Ew!" Patrick cries, running to the couch, his hands over his eyes so he runs right into the table.

"You should do it, Murdoc," Charlie says. "After all, you are the only girl…"

"Dean should do it!" Jeremy cuts in. "After all, he is gay."

"Dean, you're gay?" Murdoc says.

"No! It's just… Make Jeremy do it!"

"I'm not going in! Go do it, Dean, you're going to see a lot of naked dudes in the direction you're going!"

"WHAT? Dean, what the hell aren't you telling me?"

The three argue for a few minutes.

"When were you going to tell me this, Dean?"

"When were you going to tell everyone about the money?"

"When'd you get your lip pierced, Pat?"

Patrick gives Jeremy a true, surprised look, and feels his lip.

"Good Gandalf, when DID I get this?"

"Oh, forget it," Murdoc snaps, and walks to the bathroom, pulls the door open, and shuts it behind her.

(ACG: I'M CONFUSED! A/N: I just don't know anymore. Next chapter, the gang heads to Vermont, and Dean introduces someone.)


	13. Man or Animal

A/N: The REAL accounts. Of a FAKE band.

xThis Is Drive Shaftx

(In Tour Bus, Where We Last Left Off. _Duh!)_

Everyone except Murdoc and Liam are surrounded by the table, playing cards. No one's seemed to notice that Murdoc's been in the bathroom for almost an hour, and that the shower has been turned back on.

(In bathroom)

Murdoc is sitting on top of the toilet, and seems to be chain smoking. She tosses another cigarette butt in the sink, which is already filled with six.

"How's my head?" Liam asks, his soaked head coming out of the shower curtain.

"Mmm," Murdoc observes, still smoking. "I think you've got a bump coming on. What happened?"

"Oh, damn gallon shampoo bottles," Liam says, placing the gallon on the floor. "Fell off the rack and on my bloody head. Can I have one of those?"

Murdoc gives Liam the cigarette she just lit. Liam resumes his shower, and we wonder, how the hell can he still be smoking?

"Are you almost done? You know, we have to leave for Montpelier in a few hours."

"Yeah, I'm coming out," Liam answers, turning off the water.

Murdoc walks towards the door. She turns around and looks at Liam. When she does, she looks quite surprised.

"What?" Liam asks, shaking his wet hair.

"Liam, you're…"

Liam looks confused.

"What?"

He looks down, and he is wearing a shirt and jeans, the exact thing he was wearing when he went into the bathroom in the first place, except now his clothes are now positively soaked.

"You… You shower in your clothes?" Murdoc asks in disbelief.

"Yep. Always have. Hey, where're you going?"

(Driving to Montpelier, VT from Plymouth, MA)

Murdoc is sitting on the bench next to Meat Loaf. The radio is playing ("Layla") and she is just staring out the window. Dean comes out from behind the curtain. He sits on the floor next to her.

"Murdoc?" he asks.

Murdoc continues looking out the window, ignoring him.

"Murdoc, I'm sorry."

No response.

"It's…It's just a weird and complicated story. I thought you wouldn't believe me. Maybe you'd think I was weird or something."

He looks up at Murdoc, who continues looking out the window. He sighs, and starts to get up.

"I always knew you were weird, Dean," Murdoc says. "Besides, weird and complicated stories are your specialty."

"Don't have as much now. Not since I stopped drinking," he smiles.

"Well, I'm proud of you. Gandalf, I remember how you used to get slammed. You know, they say some alcoholics replace their obsession with liquor with something else."

Dean laughs.

"Did you do that?"

"I guess you could say that."

"Really? What'd you replace it with?"

Dean clears his throat awkwardly.

"Um… Dancing?"

(A Few Hours Later)

Murdoc and Dean are upstairs, sitting on the couch that was placed in front of the "door".

"…and I'm helping him become a citizen, and his parents are loaded, and he's already paid me sixty grand up front."

"Don't you think that's a little wrong?" Murdoc asks. "Marrying a guy just for the money?"

Dean takes a drag from his cigarette.

"Nope."

Murdoc sighs and looks up at the ceiling.

"Gandalf, Dean. I always knew you were a bit of a fruit loop, but to actually go off and do _this_. I've got to hand it to you."

"Well… You know, he's…he's meeting up with us. He's going to be in town. I want you to meet him."

Murdoc laughs nervously.

"I don't know about that. You know how I am about meeting new people."

"Don't worry, he's really great. And besides," he takes another drag from the cigarette. "You kind of have to."

"What?"

"You have to meet him," Dean says shortly. "He's financing your movie."

Murdoc stares at Dean. He avoids her eyes. She opens her mouth to say something, but is cut off by Patrick's monkey screech. Murdoc and Dean both look over the banister of the stairs, and see Patrick running around with a BATTLESHIP game, causing pieces to fly everywhere. Charlie is chasing him, screaming, "No fair! I sunk your battleship! I sunk your battleship!"

Patrick continues screeching hides behind the bar and starts throwing game pieces at Charlie.

"Guess I have to break this up," Murdoc says, pulling a banana out of her pocket and walking down the steps. Dean watches her.

"Hey, what do you mean, 'fruit loop'?" he calls after her.

(Montpelier, VT)

The sun is going down and a man is smoking in a motel parking lot. He is pretty decent looking, if you're into those weird shady looking guys that mutter to themselves at the train station. He's wearing a shirt that resembles one of those "I HEART NERDS" shirts, but the R and S is missing, so it just says, "I HEART NED". The man sees the bus approaching and drops the cigarette on the ground. He tries to clear his throat, but it just makes him start coughing. The bus pulls into the parking lot, and Drive Shaft, Dean, Murdoc, and Jeremy all get off. Everyone ignores the man, who is now on the ground hacking his lungs out. The band starts taking their bags out of the side of the bus, and everyone pretty much has just one suitcase or a backpack and walks off with it. Liam reaches in and takes out a very small suitcase, the size of a wallet. He unzips it and pulls out a cigarette.

"Hmm." Liam opens the suitcase more, and sees that it's empty. He zips it back up, shakes it, and then peers inside it again, as if this would make his smokes magically appear. When it doesn't, he pockets the pocket sized bag and walks toward the motel, not before calling out to Charlie, who is the only one left getting his bags, "Bro, could you bring the bags with all my black shirts inside with you? Thanks."

Charlie looks up from zipping his own backpack. There are four giant suitcases left in the bus, all filled with Liam's shirts. He sighs and pulls one out with him. Jeremy grabs another and follows him. Murdoc notices the man on the floor, laughs, and nudges Dean. Dean starts laughing. The man stops coughing, rolls over on his back, picks up the cigarette and starts smoking again. Dean walks over to him.

"Oen? What the hell are you doing?"

Oen slowly gets to his feet and takes a drag.

"D-Dropped my smokes," he says. He looks at Murdoc. "Is this the one?" he asks.

"Yeah, she's the one making the movie," Dean answers.

Murdoc looks at the cameramen with a confused look on her face.

"Why were you guys out here with him? And… how did you get off the bus and get here before us?"

The camera is turned down for a second, showing Ken's sneakers shuffling uncomfortably.

"Um… I don't…know."

(The next day, at shopping mall)

Drive Shaft is having a fan signing at a local shopping mall. Each member is at his own table. Liam's table is surrounded by girls, and he has two blondes sitting on his lap. All the girls are laughing at whatever joke he's telling. Next to him is Charlie's table. There is a considerably less number of girls here, and they're all standing around the table, talking to each other and glancing at Liam's table. Charlie has his head resting on his hand, and he is doodling on a piece of paper. Patrick's table is next, and here is evidently where all of the girls' mothers are. He has a mother on his lap, and another mother is ruffling his hair, laughing. After this is a large plant, and then Sinjin's table. No one is here. Sinjin has his feet up on the table, and is reading a book. Jeremy is also nearby, walking around eating an ice cream cone. He comes across a vending machine, and takes out his wallet. He frowns when he comes across a paper clip. He bangs his head on the machine.

(At diner)

Murdoc, Oen, and Dean are sitting at a booth in a local diner.

"So… How did you two…meet?" Murdoc asks.

Oen and Dean look at each other uncomfortably.

"Well…" Dean starts.

"Um…"

"Friends. Introduced us," Dean says quickly.

"Yeah," Oen nods.

Murdoc stares at them both. They smile weakly back.

"Oen," she says. "Dean said you come from an, um, rich family. What is it that your parents do, exactly?"

"They own a cruise business. And my father designs ships."

"And that brings a lot of money into the family?"

"Well, sure. In Europe, cruises are just like those Hilton Hotels."

"Well, it's not like you're exactly a Hilton, right, Oen?" she smirks.

Oen and Dean laugh, but there's some nervousness detected in their laughs.

"There's one thing I've been wondering about," Murdoc says. "When and why did you decide to get married?"

"I wanted to become a citizen," Oen said. "If I stayed here after a certain amount of time, I'd be sent back to Ireland. And I didn't want to take any tests or anything."

"So you decided to get married? To Dean?"

"Well, yeah," Oen says. "I wasn't going to start dating and ask someone to marry me. I've only got three months. I asked Dean."

"Yes, because only Dean is cheap enough to get married for sixty thousand dollars."

"Well, I offered him a whole lot more," Oen says.

"Yeah, well, after sixty grand I feel like a whore," Dean says.

They all laugh.

"Why don't you want to go back to Ireland?" Murdoc asks.

"Oh, my parents sort of disown me," Oen answers.

"Yet they keep sending you money?"

"Well, I've had a lot saved up," Oen says. "And, I earn some cash here and there."

"Doing what?"

Oen looks at her, an annoyed expression on his face. Dean, sensing the tension between the two, calls for the waiter.

(At mall)

Charlie is looking at Liam's table and sighs. He turns to the camera crew.

"I'm not jealous. I'm really not. I mean, it's been like this since as long as I can remember."

At Liam's table, Liam is joking loudly.

"Now, my brother, he's a great guy. I have to watch him, you know, cuz he's still my baby brother. Want to set a good example."

One of the girl sticks a cigarette in his mouth. Another lights it.

"Thanks, girls," Liam winks. "And Patrick, there. Look at him! He's adorable! He's got that boyish charm that girls just love."

Behind Liam, the water fountain is visible. Jeremy is slowly climbing into it, looking for spare change. He looks up and squeals, and is tackled by security guards. At Sinjin's table, he looks up from his book, shrugs, and notices the camera crew.

"John Irving," he says, waving the book. "I've got his entire collection on the bus."

(At diner)

The camera crew is poking into the men's bathroom. Oen's reflection can be seen in the mirror. He is leaning over something on the sink. We see his reflection stand straight again, rubbing his nostrils vigorously and blinking rapidly.

(At motel, later that night)

Everyone is just sitting around in the small room. Patrick, Murdoc, and Jeremy are on the floor, watching TV. Sinjin is reading his John Irving book on the small armchair. Liam is pacing around, counting some money. Charlie is listening to his walkman and wrapping tape around his fingers. Dean and Oen are in the bathroom, and no one finds this suspicious at all.

"Sixty," Liam says. "I reckon that's enough for some smokes and booze. C'mon, guys. Charlie. Sinjin. Let's go."

Sinjin reluctantly gets up. Charlie takes off his headphones and follows them outside, still wrapping tape. Liam opens the door and let the others pass.

"And Patrick," he says. "Don't do anything stupid."

Patrick makes no sign that he has heard Liam.

"Pat?"

Patrick is transfixed on SpongeBob blowing bubbles on the screen.

"Well, bye then."

(A/N: …I was hoping someone would comment on the excessive smoking issue in this story, so I went a little overboard in this one. Also added some other things… I think I'll write one more chapter, but then I'll have to divide my time with the new Diaries and Drive Shaft, the Diaries taking more time than this one. But that doesn't mean this story is over. If anything, it's only begun.)


	14. We Didn't Start The Fire

A/N: The REAL accounts. Of a FAKE band.

xThis Is Drive Shaftx

(In motel room)

Liam, Charlie, and Sinjin are off for beer. Murdoc, Jeremy, and Patrick are watching TV. Dean tumbles out of the bathroom, followed by Oen, who has to lean against the wall to stand straight. They are both laughing.

"Hey, Pat," Dean says. "We were just wondering… Have you ever trashed a room?"

"No," Pat says. "I have too much respect for the people that clean it."

Everyone stares at Pat.

"Right…" Dean says. "But would you ever want to?"

"I don't know."

Oen pulls something out of his pocket.

"I think I've got something that'll change your mind."

(At store down road)

Liam, Charlie, and Sinjin are walking toward the cash register. Charlie and Sinjin are carrying cases or beer, and Liam is rubbing his temples.

"Liam, what's wrong?" Charlie asks.

"Nothing," Liam says. "Just have a headache."

"Think it's because of the shampoo bottle thing?"

"Maybe," Liam says. "But…it's like a headache in my eyes or something."

"Yeah, I've been there," Sinjin says.

They get on line. Around the register there is candy bars, gum, batteries, and, for some reason, light bulbs. Liam looks at the light bulbs and his eyes widen.

"Deodorant light bulbs? Awesome!"

He takes one of the light bulbs and starts waving it around at the other customers.

"Look, deodorant light bulbs! Isn't that cool? I wonder what white would be. Maybe vanilla. I bet blue's blueberry. Red could be rose, or something. Honestly, the nut jobs that invent these things."

The old man he's showing the light bulb too is giving him a very evil glare. Liam sniffs the light bulb.

"Funny, I don't smell anything."

He opens the package a little and sniffs deeply and loudly. Charlie spots what he's doing and stops him.

"_What _are you doing?" he says.

"Deodorant light bulbs, baby brother!" Liam yells in excitement, flinging his arms around and making a woman who just walked grab her daughter and run out of the store.

"What?" Charlie wrenches the package from Liam's hand. "Liam… This says DECORATIVE light bulbs."

(Back in motel)

Oen and Dean are both sitting on the bed smoking. They are both leaning on each other, laughing hysterically. Patrick has a bag of FunYuns and keeps hitting a lamp with it, causing FunYuns to go everywhere. Jeremy and Murdoc are watching them when Jeremy whispers something to Murdoc. They both go into the bathroom.

"Yes?" Murdoc asks Jeremy once they're in the small and cramped bathroom.

"Are you going to do this?" Jeremy asks.

"Do what?"

"Get high and trash a motel room just for the fun of it?"

"Well, I've done it before, Jay. But I'm going to trash it with a band. Sure, it's a band too cheap to afford an actual hotel room and who's too lame to get one for free, but..."

"Do you really want to say that?" Jeremy says, looking at the camera.

"Eh, I'll edit it out later."

"I thought you said you weren't going to edit. I thought you said you wanted this to be as close to reality as possible."

"Well, that ship has sailed, hasn't it?" Murdoc says. She sighs and holds on to a metal towel rack attached to the wall. "Jeremy, I have the opportunity to trash shit with a rock band! There is no way I'm missing this!"

She pulls the rack off, which surprisingly took no real effort at all.

"Gandalf, that was easy," she says.

A loud creaking noise comes from the wall. To Murdoc and Jeremy's horror, it falls into the next room. A group of drunken Japanese tourists are running around, screaming, and throwing up. Murdoc and Jeremy both run out the bathroom door and lock it behind them.

(1 Hour Later…)

Liam, Sinjin, and Charlie are walking toward the motel.

"Oh, what the…" Charlie says, seeing the dark figures running around outside the door to the room. The three of them start running toward the room when they realize smoke is coming out of the windows and something inside is on fire.

The group of tourists scatter when they approach.

"Guys!" Charlie yells through the door. "Are you alright?"

"No!" comes Murdoc's voice through the door. "The door's locked, kick it down!"

Charlie attempts to kick the door down, but before his foot even touches the door, Patrick goes flying through the window. Murdoc climbs out after him.

"Hey!" Liam yells.

Charlie turns around. A Japanese tourist has taken the beer and is now running away with it. Charlie tries to chase him, but the tourist jumps into the air and flies off into the night.

(A Few Hours Later)

Murdoc, Dean, Jeremy, and Drive Shaft are all sitting in the woods on the side of the highway. They are all sitting around a small fire, and everyone is drinking except for Dean, who is just staring at the flames.

"I never…I never knew FunYun bags were so flammable," Dean says in a distant voice. Liam puts his arm around Dean and tries to cheer him up.

"I never knew lamps could make things go on fire," Patrick says, also in a distant voice. He looks at Murdoc and Sinjin, who are on either side of him, and waits to be embraced. When this doesn't happen, he zips up his jacket and sighs loudly.

Murdoc takes a sip from her beer and stands up.

"To Oen," she says, and empties the rest of her bottle over the fire. Everyone else except Charlie does the same. Charlie, who managed to save the one case of beer, stares at the bottle in his hands. He sighs loudly.

"Bloody Japs," he mutters before paying tribute to Oen as well.

(Two Days Later)

Everyone is getting back on the bus, getting ready for their next stop, Ohio. Charlie and Patrick have just finished putting the last of Liam's suitcases (which were completely unharmed despite the fact that the room was in ruins and Oen had helped with the torching of everything when he was running around in flames) and are boarding the bus. Inside the bus, the phone by the bar rings. Murdoc picks it up.

"Drive Shaft's bus phone," she says.

"Hey, Murdoc," Dean's voice says.

"Dean? Where the hell are you?"

"I'm flying, remember? There is no way I'm going to be in a bus with you guys for twenty four hours."

"You alright, Dean?"

"Yeah," Dean says. "Just peachy. I got something from the bank today. I think you might like it."

"Dean, I've already seen the Hamtaro checks."

"No, not that… I'll see you in Columbus, Murdoc. I've got something you might like."

(In Phone Booth)

Dean hangs up phone. He jumps when he sees the camera crew, and the booth rattles.

"What are you guys doing here?" he asks.

"We're flying too," Kenny's voice says. "We don't have to leave till tomorrow."

"Won't Murdoc want you on the bus?"

"Already taken care of," Kenny says. "We've got Brint doing it."

"Brint?"

"The intern."

(On bus)

The camera has obviously been set on the floor, since only feet are visible. There is the sound of dice rolling and Liam's shoes move.

"Yahtzee!" he cries.

(In Car)

Dean is parking his car in front of a bank. When he sees the camera crew behind him, he jumps, and his car hits the one in front of it.

"What the hell are you doing?" he yells.

"Gee, you're jumpy," Cozy, the sound guy, says.

"How could you not know we were in the car with you?"

"I was…distracted."

"Yeah, about that. Dean, your singing voice sounds like the slaughtering of a thousand animals," Kenny says. Dean glares at him. "And I just thought you should know this about yourself."

Dean gets out of the car. The crew follows him.

"Whatcha doin'?" Cozy asks.

"Going to the bank," Dean says.

"Why?"

"That's my business."

"Oh."

Cozy seems to be in deep thought. Dean is finishing a cigarette. Cozy raises his hand and waves it across Dean's face.

"You _will_ tell me why you are at the bank," he says.

Dean stares at him for a minute. He looks at his cigarette, then sticks it in Cozy's arm. Cozy makes a weird squealing noise and clutches his arm as Dean walks away.

(Back on Bus)

The camera is still on the floor, and the feet of Murdoc, Charlie, and Liam are visible. Murdoc appears to be wearing only one sock, Charlie is barefoot, and Liam is wearing no socks nor, by the looks of it, pants. Everyone is taunting Liam.

"C'mon, Liam. You folded, you know what that means," Murdoc said.

"Yeah, Liam," Sinjin says. "C'mon, it was your idea to play strip poker."

Liam sighs. A pair of briefs drops on the floor. Everyone cheers.

"Liam, what did you have here, anyway?" Murdoc says. "Whoa. Liam…you could've won."

"What?" Liam says.

"Your hand… What did you think these were?"

"Um…"

"We need to get your eyes checked, Liam," Charlie says.

"I can see fine," Liam says. His feet move uneasily. "It's cold," he whines.

(A/N: Confused? I know I am. Stay tuned for next chapter, where Dean brings a surprise from the bank, and Liam gets an eye exam.)


	15. Double Vision

A/N: The REAL accounts. Of a FAKE band.

xThis Is Drive Shaftx

(Columbus, Ohio)

"Well, we don't have any shows today, so you can relax and all that," Ted says. He looks around. The bus is empty.

"We can?" Charlie says.

Ted looks down. Everyone is on the ground playing Twister. They all fall down.

"Are you going to play Twister all day?" Ted asks.

"Well, we've already finished Stratego, Clue, and Guess Who," Jeremy says.

"Of course, we can't play Battleship anymore…" Charlie says, looking at Patrick.

"Well, why don't you go out and do something?"

"Do what?"

(At Airport)

"Are you going to tell us what the bank was about NOW?" Kenny asks as the camera crew and Dean wait to get their bags checked.

"Fine," Dean sighs. "Oen left me some money in his will."

"He did?" Cozy asks. "He didn't know you that long, did he?"

"Yeah, well… Oen liked going over his will ever couple of weeks."

"Very optimistic man, I bet," Cozy says. "Well, how much did he leave you?"

Dean looks out the window.

"Uh...Hundredortehnmindollars," Dean mutters.

"What?"

"Hundred fourteen million dollars."

"What!"

"I said, 114 mill-"

"I heard you, I heard you! That was just me expressing surprise."

"Oh."

"He gave you 114 million? Geez, he must've been loaded," Kenny says.

"It was everything he had."

"Whoa."

"I'm going to give some of it to Murdoc. You know, to help with the movie."

"You are?"

"Yeah. She only wants six hundred, she's really cheap."

"We know."

(Flight From Vermont to Ohio)

A toy plane in front of a blue wall is held up by a string. A kitten swipes at the plane.

(Columbus, Ohio)

Everyone is just sitting in the bus, standing around and doing random things in awkward silence. Charlie is making coffee. The rest of the band is sitting on the couch reading magazines. Sinjin is lazily flipping through his. Patrick is holding his magazine upside down. Liam keeps holding his magazine really close to his face, then holding it a good two feet from his face, with the same confused look on his face every time.

"That's it, Liam. I'm taking you to get your eyes checked," Murdoc says.

Liam lets out a yelp and drops his magazine. Sinjin looks up and tosses his on the table. Patrick hurls it behind him and it hits Charlie, who spills coffee all over himself.

"I don't need to get my eyes checked, I can see fine," Liam says over Charlie screams.

"Oh, don't be ridiculous. You're practically blind," Murdoc snaps.

"For your information, I can see as good as I need to."

"That doesn't even make sense! Wait… Are you afraid?"

"Of course not," Liam says in a nervous tone. "Why would I be afraid?"

"I don't know, but only an absolute moron would be afraid to go to an optometrist."

"I just don't want to get glasses!"

"And why not?"

"Because I just don't wear glasses!" Liam yells. "I'm a rock god! Rock gods don't wear glasses! Do you see how many black shirts I own? People like me don't wear glasses."

Liam and Murdoc glare at each other.

"And Charlie's okay, too," Charlie says.

(A Few Hours Later)

Murdoc, Liam, and Charlie are sitting in the waiting room of an optometrist's office. Liam is sitting in a chair, drumming his fingers on the arms of his chair. Charlie is sitting in the chair across from him, doing the same. Murdoc's eye is twitching, and she keeps looking from Liam's fingers to Charlie's fingers. A phone rings. Murdoc jumps. The woman behind the desk is talking on the phone.

"Um, is there a… Murdoc in here?" the woman asks.

Murdoc looks around the empty waiting room.

"Uh, that'd be me," she says.

The woman holds out the phone. Murdoc takes it.

"Hello?"

"Murdoc, you've got to get a cell phone or something."

"Dean? Honestly, how do you keep finding me?"

"Never mind, Murdoc. I've got that thing I was telling you about," Dean says.

"What thing? The check from the bank?"

"Yeah, I- Hey, I didn't tell you that!"

"What, you expect the camera guys to keep a secret? But, seriously, I really appreciate it, Dean."

"Well, there is one thing…"

"What?"

"Well, Oen's parents aren't really keen on the idea of me taking all his money…"

"Well, you can't blame them, Dean."

"That's just it. They hired some guy to find some background info on me, and…he did."

"He found out more bad stuff about you then what I already know?"

"Yeah, I guess he did. They're sending some guy from the bank to follow me around for a few weeks."

Murdoc stares at the wall for a few seconds.

"Then stay out of trouble, then. I guess, stay away from us."

"That's the other thing…"

"What other thing? You said there was only one thing!"

"Well, it leads into another thing. It's all one thing, but it's quite a long thing."

"What? That's defying the laws of things!"

"Will you let me tell you what it is?"

"Fine."

"They found out I'm going to invest in your movie, so that guy from the bank is going to follow us around."

"What? Why?"

"They want to make sure I'm not spending the money on something illegal."

"Well, you're not."

"Or spending the money on a documentary where illegal things are happening."

"Damn. Got me there."

"Yeah, well, I'm picking you up. You have to sign some contract or something."

"I hate you."

"I know," Dean sighs.

(An Hour Later)

Charlie is sitting alone in the waiting room.

"You know, Liam's always had a problem seeing. Always. He wore glasses as a little kid, but he got teased a lot. Yeah… One day, he just took them off, never put them back on."

"Liam used to wear glasses?" Kenny asks.

"Oh, sure," Charlie says. "The minute he had trouble reading signs and such, Mum got him glasses."

He sighed loudly.

"Liam always got everything. Everything I owned used to belong to Liam. He was Mum's favorite."

"I'm sure that's not true," Kenny says.

"No, it is," Charlie says. "You know, they only had me because Liam needed that kidney. It's what Mum used to write in my birthday card every year."

A door opens and Charlie stands up. Liam is being led out by a doctor.

"Well?" Charlie asks.

"Oh, he's going to need glasses, alright. His vision has gotten gradually worse over the years," the doctor says. He glances at Liam, who is leaning against the wall and staring at his shoes in disappointment. "We would give him contacts, since he seems to dislike glasses so much, but contacts are so difficult for first time users. We really recommend glasses for right now."

Liam scoffs and walks out.

"AHHHHHHHH!" he screams.

"Oh, I almost forgot," the doctor says. "His eyes are dilated, so they're sensitive to light."

He pulls a glasses case out of his pocket.

"We just happened to have a pair of glasses with a prescription close to his in the office. Have him wear it, so he can get the feel of them. And they're tinted, so encourage the fact that they're actually sunglasses that make him see well."

Charlie nods, and walks out with a large grin on his face.

(A/N: ...I haven't updated in a while. Haven't got the time. Whenever the next chapter of Drive Shaft comes out, it will have Charlie and Liam walking back to the bus. Oh, I'm sure the suspense is killing you.)


	16. Follow Your Bliss

A/N: The REAL accounts. Of a FAKE band.

xThis Is Drive Shaftx

(Somewhere on the streets in Columbus, Ohio)

"I look stupid, don't I?" Liam asks.

Charlie looks at his brother. The glasses he's wearing are identical to those of Austin Powers and Velma from Scooby Doo. He looks pretty decent with glasses and looks very smart.

"You look fine," Charlie answers.

"No, I don't," Liam says, starting to take them off. Charlie stops him.

"You look, fine, mate. Seriously," he says. He peers behind Liam. "Uh oh. Fan girls, two o'clock."

Liam glances at his watch and turns around. Sure enough, two teenage girls wearing Drive Shaft shirts are walking toward them. Luckily, they don't seem to have noticed that Liam and Charlie are just yards away from them. Liam squints at them through his glasses.

"I didn't realize our fans were so _young_," he says.

"Well, yeah. I know all our groupies are older, but have you ever actually looked into the crowd? It's just a bunch of teens," Charlie says.

"It's always looked like a bunch of blurs."

"They're coming this way, act casual," Charlie says.

Liam and Charlie both strike a pose. Charlie's pose looks like a Matrix move. Liam's is a tree. The two girls stop and stare.

"OMG! Are you Charlie from Drive Shaft?" one of the girls squeals, showing off her braces.

"Yes," Charlie says hesitantly.

"Your brother is so hot," the other girl says.

Liam, who is still posing as a tree, laughs.

"Who are you?" Braceface asks.

"OMG, is this your boyfriend? Gee, I heard online that you were gay, but I didn't really believe it!"

The two girls giggle.

"He's pretty tall to be your boyfriend."

"As tall as Liam."

"Yeah, why is your brother so tall and you're so short? Are you adopted?"

"I bet you are."

"You boyfriend's hot though. Almost as hot as Liam, if Liam wore glasses."

"I AM Liam, you stupid betches," Liam says, taking off his glasses. The girls gasp in unison and stare at Liam in fright and awe.

"You look really hot in those glasses," Braceface winks.

"Apologize to Charlie," Liam demands.

"Why? We were just telling the truth."

"Do as I say, or I'll take you both into that alley and have sex with you."

Both girls remain silent. Charlie sighs.

"Alright. If you don't say you're sorry, I'll have Charlie have sex with you."

"Sorry, Charlie!" The two girls say and run off.

Charlie watches them run down the street, then turns and stares at his brother in astonishment. He punches his shoulder.

"_What the hell is wrong with you?"_

"Well, it made them leave, didn't it?"

(Back on the bus)

Patrick is sleeping on the couch. Across from him, Sinjin is sitting in a pile of letters. Jeremy walks in.

"Did someone get kidnapped?" Jeremy says, referring to the letters.

"No," Sinjin sighs. "This is our fan mail."

"Wow. That's a lot of fan mail."

"Hmph. You should see how much Coldplay gets," Sinjin mutters.

"What?"

"Um, could you help me with this? You know, read them, write back, and all?"

"I guess…" Jeremy sat down on the floor next to Sinjin. He pulled one out from under him. "This is all your fan mail?"

"The band's," Sinjin says. "Mostly Liam. Some Patrick and Charlie."

"What about you?"

"I don't get mail."

Jeremy stares at Sinjin. Sinjin tries to avoid his eyes, and starts reading a letter. Jeremy begins to read the one he picked up.

_Dear Liam, _

_I love you! I wrote this poem for you. I hope you like it. ;)_

_L is for licking, my tongue on your-_

Jeremy's expression changes from mild interest to downright disgust.

"Let me guess," Sinjin says, seeing the expression on Jeremy's face. "Letter for Liam? Poem? Very detailed and graphic?"

"Yeah," Jeremy answers.

"That'd be Ashleigh."

"Ashleigh?"

"Yeah, she writes a letter like that every week," he says, pulling a cardboard box out from behind the couch. "Put it in here. We'll burn it after we're done with all the others."

(Wherever Liam and Charlie are…)

Liam and Charlie are walking down the street sipping Big Gulps. As they walk, Charlie keeps looking over his shoulder.

"What?" Liam asks. "Got tics or something?"

"No," Charlie says, looking over his shoulder again. "It's not that…"

"Is it your 'friends'?" Liam says, whispering and looking around. "Are they here now?"

"I think we're being followed," Charlie says.

"Followed? Is it those girls again? 'Cause I wasn't kidding when I said-"

"No. It's some weird guy."

"A guy? Where?"

"Don't look for him!" Charlie snaps. "He'll know we know he's following us!"

"Well, you kept turning around every five bloody seconds…"

"Never mind! He's not there anymore."

Liam sighs, and they both continue walking. Well, they would if there wasn't a creepy guy in a trench coat standing directly in front of them. Liam and Charlie both freeze.

"That's the guy!" Charlie whispers loudly and unnecessarily.

The man begins to pull something out of his jacket… Charlie and Liam both yell.

(Back on bus)

_Dear driveSHAFT, _

_I LOVE YOU GUYS! Liam is SO hot. Sinjin in SO talented. Patrick is SO funny! _

_I heard Charlie was illiterate._

_LOVE,  
Cora_

**Dear DRIVESHAUFT,**

**You guys rock! I go to all your shows. You sound a whole lot better recorded than you do live. **

**Keep up the good work!**

**-Topher**

_**Dear SUCK Shaft,**_

**_Your band SUCKS. I hate you. Liam has no singing talent at all. Your songs suck. Charlie can't write a song for shit. In fact, the only two in the band that have the most talent never get the recognition. _**

_**SINJIN AND PATRICK ROCK MY SOCKS!**_

_**-Johnny**_

_**P.S.: I heard Charlie was gay. **_

(Where we last left Charlie and Liam…)

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Run!" Liam yelled, and he and Charlie start running down the street. The man in the coat starts to walk behind them. Since Liam is an avid smoker and Charlie has short legs, they're running very slow. So, even when he's walking, the man in the coat is at least ten feet behind them at all times.

"In here!" Liam and Charlie shuffle across the street into a wooded area, flaying their arms around. Coat Man follows them calmly. Liam and Charlie run through the forest, and it looks just like a scene from the Blair Witch project. In fact…

"I'm so scared!" Charlie says, his face in front of the camera. The figure of Liam hacking his lungs out can be seen just over his shoulder. "Do you see him? he asks Liam.

"No," Liam says, looking around.

"Let's keep walking," Charlie says, "in case he's still after us."

Liam groans but leads the way through the trees. After a few minutes, they find themselves in a clearing, looking around. They are hopelessly and irrevocably lost.

"Guys…" Charlie says. "Where are we?"

There's a load snap from the trees behind them.

(Back on bus)

There's a Bunsen burner on the table. Sinjin is burning one letter at a time. He's smoking a cigarette and there's a half empty bottle of whiskey in between him and Jeremy.

"Should we be doing this in here?" Jeremy asks, taking a swig.

"Probably not," Sinjin answers. "In fact, definitely not."

They both watch the letters burn. Jeremy grins, and takes out a cigarette.

"I used to do this all the time in high school," he says, tilting his head to the side and lighting it to the burner. "Nearly singed my eyebrows off in chemistry."

(Forest)

Charlie and Liam are running for their lives (more like jogging) aimlessly in the forest. They keep looking over their shoulders for Coat Man. He's nowhere in sight, but they continue running and making weird noises. All of a sudden, they come across a Starbucks in the middle of the forest. They run inside, not questioning its purpose for being there at all. They sit at a small table and pant and gasp for breath.

"My heart's racing," Liam coughs. "What about you, baby brother?"

Charlie has his wrist to his ear.

"I can't hear anything!" he says.

Liam rolls his eyes and looks at the prices over the counter.

"Twelve dollars for a bottle of water?" he says. "Where are we?"

"Liam…" Charlie says, nudging his brother and nodding to the door.

Coat Man is standing in the doorway. Not noticing Liam and Charlie, he walks to the counter.

"Hey, Livien!" a perky girl behind the counter greets him. "The usual?"

"Sure, Tatum," Livien says, cringing at her optimism. Looking around the café, he spots Liam and Charlie. "And two waters," he says.

"What do you want?" Charlie says. "Why are you following us?"

"I just wanted to ask you for something," he said, reaching into his jacket. Liam backed up into a table, Charlie crouched behind a chair.

"Could I have your autograph?" he asked, pulling out a pen and a Drive Shaft poster.

"Oh…" Liam says, looking at his brother and giving him an evil eye. "Sure, yeah."

Liam signs the poster and punches Charlie in the arm when he scribbles his name, causing a big line across Patrick's face on the poster.

"Sorry about that," Charlie mutters.

"Sorry about that other thing, too…" Liam said. "You see, I think my baby brother here was convinced you were trying to kill us or something."

"Oh, no problem," Livien says. "Happens all the time. I really should stop wearing this jacket."

He reached in his jacket again. Charlie hugged his brother tightly.

"Get off!" Liam snapped, shoving the idiot off him. Livien was holding four dolls that resemble Powerpuff Girls. Except they're boys and are nowhere near as pleasant looking.

"You want us to sign the dolls?" Liam asked.

"No, the dolls are for you. My niece made them."

Liam takes the dolls and looks at the one with a black shirt and fuzzy brown monkey hair.

"They're supposed to be you guys," Livien says.

Charlie looks at his doll. It has nappy blonde hair and large ears. It appeared to be eating a guitar pick.

"What's wrong with mine?" he asks, but Liam cuts him off.

"These are great," he says. "Your niece makes these? Why?"

"I don't really know. But she's got one of almost every celebrity out there."

"Tell her we said thanks," Liam says, now studying the other ones. Charlie is looking at his doll, a disappointed look on his face.

"Stop that," Liam says when he sees Charlie banging the head of his doll on the table.

(On bus)

The box filled with the weird sex letters is on fire. Sinjin and Jeremy are standing over it, giggling and drinking. Jeremy keeps spilling his beer in the fire. This is an extremely stupid idea, and ashes keep shooting out of the box. An ash lands on Sinjin's sleeve, and suddenly the entire bus is filled with the white stuff from fire extinguishers. Patrick is standing in front of the bathroom door, posed with a fire extinguisher. Jeremy and Sinjin look at him, puzzled and shocked. Charlie and Liam walk in, and they stop and look around.

"And this is the bus. As you can see, nothing suspicious or illegal is taking place…" Murdoc says as she boards the bus. Dean is behind her and so is a plump man wearing a tie and round glasses. Dean looks at the bus amazed, and the man has already started scribbling furiously on a notepad. Murdoc doesn't even look around. One glance tells her everything.

"Shit."

A/N: That was that chapter. Yeah. I don't know when the next one will show up, or what will be in it, but I guarantee that it will deal with Drive Shaft and very weird predicaments that are hilariously funny. …Well, see ya.


	17. Medellia of the Gray Skies

A/N: The REAL accounts. Of a FAKE band.

xThis Is Drive Shaftx

(On the bus)

Meat Loaf and the guy from the bank are sitting at the front of the bus. Meat Loaf is driving and banker is just sitting on the same seat Charlie was sitting in before. The banker is just looking dead ahead, and Meat Loaf keeps giving him weird glances.

"So…" Meat Loaf says nervously. "Bob, right?"

"Bill," the banker replies.

"Bill. Right."

In seconds, Meat Loaf is drenched with sweat.

(At Rehearsal)

The band is on a stage and they're not really doing anything, just standing around and occasionally playing a few chords or something. Murdoc is watching them from the audience, and Jeremy and Dean are playing with the lights and other equipment. Bill is sitting on a chair all the way by the exit and is wearing head phones.

"Hello, hello, hello…"

"Testing, test, test, test… This is mike number one, this is mike number one, isn't this a lot of fun?"

"Get off, you two…"

Charlie is strumming his guitar at the edge of the stage. He keeps looking up at Murdoc and winking as he plays a song. Murdoc is watching him while wearing large dark sunglasses. She seems really entranced.

"Hey, Murdoc," he says. "Do you know how to play an instrument?"

Murdoc is still sitting there, acting as if she didn't hear him.

"Murdoc? Murdoc!"

Murdoc jerks up and yawns.

"Murdoc, come over here."

Murdoc gets up and stumbles over to where Charlie's sitting. Everyone else has stopped fooling around and is watching them.

"Can you play?" Charlie asks, meaning the guitar.

"Just a little," Murdoc yawns. "Guitar's not really my thing, though. I haven't the fingers."

At this, she wiggled her small clumsy fingers to prove her point.

"But you can play something, right?"

"Eh, just a few songs."

"What, like 'The Wheels on the Bus', something like that?" Charlie begins playing a few chords.

"No," Murdoc says icily. "And I'm not one of those pricks that can only play the beginning to bloody Smoke on the Water either."

"Ooh, touchy," Liam smirks, walking over to them. "Go ahead, baby brother, give her the guitar."

Murdoc gets a little embarrassed as she realizes everyone's watching, but takes the guitar and fiddles with it a little. She then plays the beginning to Heart's "Crazy for You"(awesome song) and everyone watches her in surprise.

"Can you sing?" Liam asks after a moment of stunned silence.

"Gather round, boys, gather round!" Ted calls as he walks toward them. "Here it is!"

He waves around a wrapped object. No one's in a real hurry to walk over to him.

"Come on, lads! 'Sniff the Mitten' has finally arrived! Come on, Liam!"

At this point, Ted is right in front of them, so he starts taking off the wrapping.

"Ta da!" he says, revealing a dark grey CD case. "What do you think?"

"Is this the test pressing?" Sinjin asks.

"No, this is it, this is it, alright," Ted says.

"This is 'Sniff the Mitten' by Drive Shaft?" Liam asks, taking the CD and looking at it, even though there's not much to look at.

"That's 'Sniff the Mitten', that's the jacket cover. It's going to be going out across the country in every store."

"This is the compromise we made?" Liam asked. "This is the compromise you made?"

"Yes."

"Is it going to say anything here, or here along the spine?" Sinjin asks, the CD now in his hands.

"It's not going to say anything?" Liam asks.

"No, it's not going to say anything."

"It's going to be like this, all grey?" Charlie asks.

"No, it's going to be that simple, beautiful, classic!" Ted says.

"Well, at first glance it looks black and kinda looks like leather," Murdoc says, looking at the CD from all angles. Jeremy and Dean nod and murmur in agreement behind her.

"You can see yourself in it… Both sides," Dean says.

"So it doesn't say Drive Shaft at all?" Murdoc asks.

"Uh, I think it does, but the lettering is also in a dark shade of gray," Ted replied grimly.

"I think I see it!" Patrick said, holding the case really close to his face.

"I feel really bad about this…" Liam says. "I think, like you've, like rationalizing this whole thing into something you did on purpose. I think we're stuck with a very, very stupid and a very dismal looking album. This is depressing."

"Liam!" Charlie hisses.

"I frankly think that this is the turning point, okay? I think, I think this is...we're on our way now."

"I agree," Charlie says.

"It's time, time to kick some arse!" Ted says.

(Outside bus)

"What do you mean, you don't feel comfortable?" Murdoc says into Dean's cell phone. "Well, he's not going to be here very long… No, Marv- Meat Loaf, you're a great driver…"

Dean and Jeremy are standing outside the bus and watching Murdoc. She hangs up and sighs.

"Well?" Dean asks.

"Meat Loaf's going to take the next couple of days off," she says.

"He is? Why?"

"Oh my gosh! He's got cancer in the testies!" Jeremy squeals, holding his hands over his mouth in…suppressed laughter.

"He doesn't have cancer, you idiot," Dean snaps, but looks at Murdoc questioningly.

"He's fine," Murdoc says. "He just says he doesn't feel comfortable under the…circumstances."

(Inside Bus)

Patrick is playing with the Drive Shaft dolls and Cheesus. Charlie is watching a movie. Patrick and Sinjin are standing behind the bar, and are eyeing Bill suspiciously. Bill is on the couch and watching Patrick.

"Oh, Cheesus, you are the most powerful!" Patrick says in a high pitched voice, holding the Sinjin doll and making him doing a weird dance.

"Well, yes, I know," he says in a deep Cheesus voice.

"We should give you a sacrifice!" the cool sounding Liam says. "We should give you a sacrifice!"

Holding the Charlie doll, he says in a completely childish whine, "Take me!"

Patrick starts banging the Charlie doll on the table.

"What do you think he wants?" Sinjin whispers to Liam when they see Bill start taking notes feverishly at Patrick sacrificial display.

"I don't know, but why is he here? Isn't he supposed to be watching the others?"

(Outside Bus in parking lot)

Jeremy, Murdoc, and Dean are surrounding a car. Jeremy is smashing the windows, Murdoc is stealing the hubcaps and license plates, and Dean seems to be beating up what might be the owner of the vehicle, a very ugly prostitute looking woman. Or very pretty man.

(Inside Bus)

"Um, what are you doing?" Charlie asks. Bill is standing in front of the television and is fiddling with the DVD player. "Wayne and Garth were just about to see Aerosmith."

"Young man," Bill snaps, "do you have a proof of purchase for this merchandise?"

"Um, no," Charlie says awkwardly.

Murdoc and the other two board the bus. Charlie quickly gets away from Bob and sits on the couch.

Murdoc looks at them all grimly and says, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which one do you want to hear first?"

Various shouts of "Good!" and "Bad!" fill the bus. Evidently, the camera crew also wants their opinion heard.

"Do you want us to say bad so it will benefit your joke?" Cozy asks.

"Dang, you caught on," Murdoc says. "The truth is, there is no good news." Turning to the camera, she says, "But I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico."

"But… You don't have a car. Or…even drive," Dean says.

"Well, that singles me out," Murdoc says. "Because what I was going to say before is that Meat Loaf is taking a few days off, and we need one of us to drive the bus for a few days. Do any of you know how to drive a bus?"

Everyone is silent. Jeremy opens his mouth to say something, but is cut off by Liam.

"I'll do it."

Charlie looks at his brother apprehensively. "I don't think that's a good idea…"

"Nonsense," Liam says, standing up. "It's just like driving a really big car, right?"

With that, he walks over to the front and leaves everyone still sitting down. All of a sudden there's a loud honk, and everyone jumps. Well, it's not really a honk. More like a beep.

_BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!_

"Wow, that's really loud!" Liam calls from the front and beeps some more.

A/N: Well, that was this chapter. Next one, Liam and his lack of real driving etiquette takes the bus for a spin.


	18. Crash The Party

A/N: I'll take you down the only road I've ever been on.

xThis Is Drive Shaftx

(Still in Ohio)

"Now, you can drive, right?" Murdoc asks as she and Liam walk toward the bus.

"Honestly, Murdoc. I'm not that stupid to volunteer to be a bus driver when I don't even know how to drive," Liam answers. Murdoc glances at him, not exactly convinced. They board the bus, and Liam lets Murdoc sit on the bench and just stares at the driver's seat.

"Well?" Murdoc asks. "Go on, sit. You do know what you're doing, don't you?"

"Of course," Liam says and laughs nervously. "It's just that, you know, in England the cars are, you know, reverse."

"Well, the wheel's still in front, isn't it? Go on, start the bus."

Liam sits down and looks at the wheel.

(Streets)

"So, we are on our way to…some radio station," Charlie tells the camera crew as he, Sinjin, Patrick, and Jeremy and Dean walk down the street. Bill is walking a few feet behind them.

"Yeah, Liam can't come with us because he's having driving lessons," Sinjin says, laughing.

"Can Murdoc drive?" Charlie asks Dean.

"Yeah, yeah she is, she, um, she just isn't allowed to."

"Why not?"

(On bus)

Liam is driving the bus and everything seems to be going alright.

"Well, this is going better than I expected," Liam says, grinning.

Murdoc is staring straight ahead.

"There's a power line in the middle of the road," she mutters in a hollow voice.

Liam squints at the road.

"Oh, yeah, I guess there is. Is that good?"

"Go for it," Murdoc says in the same voice.

"Really?"

"Yeah."

Liam starts to drive over the power line and Murdoc raises her arms in triumph.

"Nothing happened," Liam says. Murdoc shrugs. Liam keeps driving, and they hear a loud continuous noise.

"What is that?" Liam asks.

Murdoc turns around, even though this wouldn't help her see what was happening outside the bus at all.

"I think… I think we're dragging the power line."

"What?"

The noise continues.

"The power line. We're dragging it," Murdoc says.

"We're dragging it?" Liam says. "What are we going to do?"

"I don't know."

"You're the one that told me to run over it!"

The noise stops.

"See?" Murdoc says. "Problem solved."

Liam glances at her in bewilderment but continues driving. Murdoc sighs in impatience.

"The damn traffic light's not working…"

(Radio station)

A heavyset man is in a small hallway, greeting the band and shaking their hands.

"Well, welcome, guys, welcome. I'm Rabbit Rick, thanks for coming," he says to everyone.

Various murmurs of "no problem" and the like follow. Dean, Jeremy, and Bill are at the end of the line, and Jeremy has a look on his face like he just realized there's really no point in his being there. He leaves, making a big production of passing everyone in the very cramped hall. Rick notices Dean, leaning against the wall and looking very tired.

"Do I know you from somewhere?" he asks.

"Huh?" Dean says, a little startled at being addressed this way.He takesa quick glance at Bill, who is already unzipping his fanny pack (ha ha, fanny pack) and taking out his notepad.

"You look familiar… What's your name?"

"Dean."

"Oh my gosh! You're Dean!"

"Yeah, I just said that…"

Everyone looks at Dean curiously.

"Aren't you from that show? The Mur-something?"

"The Murdoc Show?"

"Yeah, that's it! I knew I recognized you! Jules! Jules, come over here!"

(Back on bus)

"Well, this is going smoothly," Murdoc says. Liam is sitting behind the wheel with the darkest of looks on his face.

"You're going a little fast," Murdoc says. Liam doesn't respond, and he goes faster.

"Will you knock it off?" she snaps. "Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. I just get a little… well, weird when it comes to driving." She laughs. "Wouldn't it be funny if we were going really fast? I mean, with the flag on the side and everything. People would see this British Blur driving around…"

"We're Drive Shaft," Liam says.

"What?"

"We're Drive Shaft."

"Yeah, I know," Murdoc says, giving Liam a weird look. "Oh, I can't wait for Meat Loaf to come back, I can go back to this bus as an oasis…"

"Drive Shaft."

"Yeah."

They drive in silence.

(At radio station)

"So, what have you been doing since then?" Rick asks Dean on air. They're all cramped in the small studio, and Patrick, Sinjin, and Charlie are just sitting behind Dean looking confused.

"Uh, I've been traveling… Working on some projects…" Dean says.

"I thought you killed yourself," Jules says. There's a pause.

(Somewhere outside)

Jeremy is walking the streets of… some city in Ohio and spots a chap stick on the floor. He seems enlightened. Behind him across the street is a man wearing a ski mask running with a bag. Two police officers are chasing him. The man pulls a gun out of his jacket and a woman screams: all of this is ignored by Jeremy, who is engrossed in this random Chap Stick on the ground, most likely previously used. One of the officers daringly tackles the armed man, and a shot is fired. Jeremy bends to pick up the chap stick, and the bullet goes right through where his head would've been. The same woman screams again, and an old man runs out of a nearby shop.

"Are you alright, kid?" The man asks. Not waiting for an answer, he says, "You could've been killed!"

Jeremy looks at his chap stick and back at the man, confused and having no idea what just happened.

"Look!" The man says, pointing to a sign that was a few feet from where Jeremy was. Jeremy looks in it, and there is a bullet stuck in the metal sign. The seriousness of the situation dawns on him, and he once again examines the Chap Stick. "That chap stick saved your life!" the man exclaims.

(Back on bus)

"Are we supposed to be picking them up?" Liam asks.

"Well, yes, as the bus driver, you pick up the members of the band," Murdoc answers.

"Is that… Jeremy?" Liam asks.

Murdoc peers out the window.

"Yeah, it is… What the hell is he doing?"

They stop and Jeremy is walking down the street, holding the chap stick at arms length with his palm up. Liam honks the horn, and Jeremy boards the bus.

"Jeremy, what on earth are you doing?" Murdoc asked.

"This chap stick saved my life!" Jeremy cries.

"What?"

"It's a long story but, I was walking and there was this guy with a gun and I bent down to pick up the chap stick and it saved my life!"

Murdoc and Liam stare at him blankly.

"Yeah, you're going to have to run that by us again," Liam says.

Jeremy goes through the bead curtain, saying, "I owe my life to this chap stick!"

Liam starts the bus again.

"Okay…" Murdoc says, then claps her hands. "Music!"

(A Few Minutes Later…)

Murdoc and Liam are singing.("Deuce" by Kiss)

"_Baby, if you're feeling good!"_

"_Baby, if you're feeling nice!"_

"_You know your man is workin' hard!" _They both did some weird head movement. _"He's worth our deuce!"_

(Back at radio station)

"It's no problem, thanks for having me…" Dean says outside the studio.

"It was great, great… Yeah, and what's the name of your album again?" Rick asks Sinjin, Patrick, and Charlie, who have all fallen asleep.

"Sniff The Mitten," Dean answers as Charlie yawns.

"Great, great… Hey, could you sign this? My niece, she's a big fan." Rick asks, taking out a book.

"Oh, sure…" Dean says, a little awkwardly.

"And this…" Rick pulls out a picture of himself.

"Okay…"

"And if we could just have a picture…" Rick says, pulling out a pair of bunny ears. Dean stares at the ears. "Please? It's… for my sister." Dean raises an eyebrow. "She's got cancer. She's dying."

"Oh, alright…"

Dean puts on the ears and sighs. He wears a blank expression when posing for the picture, but when Rick's arm falls from around his shoulder to… elsewhere, Dean's expression changes significantly.

"Hey!"

"Oh, this is going to be the best Christmas card yet!" Rick squeals and runs off. A storage closet door a few feet away shakes a little, then is broken down and a man that looks a lot like Rick but with bigger front teeth comes out. He's in his underwear and he looks malnourished.

"Stop that man!" he yells. "He's an imposter!"

Dean watches as the Rick in his underwear runs after pervert Rick, and is chased by several security guards. Adjusting his hat, Dean turns to the camera and says, "And _that _is precisely why I don't work for radio anymore."

Liam honking the horn outside on the bus can be heard from in the studio.

(A few hours later)

Dean and Sinjin are playing Stratego and Charlie and Patrick are watching. Jeremy is staring at his chap stick in awe. Murdoc comes in from the front of the bus.

"Whatcha doin?" she asks.

"Dean and Sinjin are playing Stratego," Charlie says.

"It's like Napoleon against the French!" Patrick exclaims.

Sinjin and Dean exchange glances but remain silent. Patrick takes out the Drive Shaft dolls and starts playing with them.

"You know what, Sinjin?" Jeremy says. "I don't think I've seen you play with your doll."

"Well, I'm not nine," Sinjin says.

"Checkmate," Dean says. Sinjin eyes the board and looks back at Dean.

"Do you even know how to play the game?" he asks.

"No idea," Dean answers, unscrewing the cap on his water bottle as he walks off to abandon the game. He walked through the beaded curtain, taking over the next Liam shift.

"But these dolls look like you guys," Jeremy says, ignoring Dean's ignorant interruption. "Isn't that kinda cool?"

"It's more reason for it to steal my soul," Sinjin sighs.

Jeremy laughs. "You're kidding, right?"

Sinjin glares at him. "No."

The theme to "Psycho" plays. Bill stands up, no doubt to stalk Dean some more and take notes on that pad of his. Murdoc is standing by the curtain and winks at Sinjin, who stands up and takes his doll from Patrick.

"Hey Bill, think fast!" he calls, throwing the doll at Bill. Bill turns around while Murdoc sticks her foot out. Bill catches the doll awkwardly and trips over Murdoc's foot, sending him flying through the curtain backwards. Murdoc and Sinjin's triumphant laughter are cut short by the bus' sudden swerve and the objects falling off the walls. There's a loud crashing noise as the bus comes to a stop. The lights in the bus flicker on and off as everyone gets up, and the horn won't stop blaring. Patrick, who has been sitting on the couch and playing with the dolls, hasn't acknowledged that anything has happened. Jeremy, on the other hand…

"What the hell just happened!" he yells.

"_BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-"_

"I think we crashed into something!" Murdoc yelled back.

"No shit, Sherlock!" Sinjin jeers.

"What did you do?" Jeremy yells at Charlie, who looks thoroughly confused.

"Me? I didn't-" Charlie stutters, but is cut off short by Jeremy lunging at him.

"_-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-"_

Everyone is yelling but no one can be heard over the horn. Dean tears open the curtain and stumbles in. He falls on Murdoc and, with a mad glint in his eye, growls "What did you do?"

He tugs on the curtain so hard that the whole thing falls. Murdoc gasps at what she sees. There is a giant hole in the windshield, and there are traces of blood on the edges. Liam seems to have passed out on the steering wheel, but no one seems to be doing anything about it.

"What are we going to do?" she asks fearfully.

"We've got to get out of here," Sinjin says.

"Are you crazy?" Dean says. "Liam's passed out again, and I think you killed Bill!"

For some unknown reason, Patrick giggles, and mutters, "Kill Bill." Sinjin starts to chuckle. Dean has a weird expression on his faceas he looks about the bus.

"You think this is funny?" he says. "Have you seen the windshield? For God's sake, I think we drove into an Office Max!"

A plump teenager wearing a red vest and large glasses boards the bus.

"You guys need anything?" he asks.

Everyone stares at him.

"Uh, no thanks, we're just looking," Jeremy says.

"M'kay," the teen says, walking away. Everyone just stands around in silence. Well, the horn is still blaring.

"I… I think Bill's dead," Dean says. Everyone stands in mournful silence. Murdoc suddenly coughs and moves Dean out of the camera's view.

"He's just kidding, everybody, Bill's not dead," she says, laughing nervously. "It's all a big joke…" she says, as she walks over to Liam, finally lifting his head off the wheel. She drops it, realizing that there's blood oozing from Liam's mouth.

"Yeah, no one's dead…" Jeremy's voice says from off camera.

"_Turn the camera off!"_

A/N: It took me a long time to write this. Not really, but I sure have been doing my fair share of procrastinating. …I think I know what'll happen next chapter, but you can be damn sure Meat Loaf's coming back! And Bill is and/or isn't dead, that's for sure!


	19. Just Because

A/N: I'll take you down the only road I've ever been on.

xThis Is Drive Shaftx

(STILL in Ohio! I mean, I know Cleveland rocks and all that, but I'm just glad this is the last day)

Murdoc and Dean are in Dean's car. Dean looks thoroughly pissed, and Murdoc is avoiding his glares by wearing large Gotham-like black sunglasses. She might also be wearing these to not be recognized as they stop on a concrete bridge by a wooded area. Murdoc looks to make sure they're not being watched as she helps Dean take a heavily wrapped large object out of the trunk. They awkwardly carry it to the side of the bridge and chuck it over. A splash is heard as the object hits the water below.

"Do you think-?" Murdoc begins, but stops when she hears police sirens in the distance. Dean grabs her hand and they get in the car quickly and drive off. The camera pans around the bridge.

"Hey…" the sound guy says, "we don't have a ride, do we?"

(Back where bus is…)

Murdoc is skipping and guiding a blindfolded Meat Loaf through the parking lot towards the bus.

"Why are we doing this?" Meat Loaf asks.

"Well, I just wanted you to be surprised when you see the bus," Murdoc answers sweetly.

"I was worried about something like this," Meat Loaf said.

"No, the bus is fine!" Murdoc says, a little too enthusiastically. "It's just, we fixed it up a bit and we wanted to surprise you."

"Oh my God, you repainted it," Meat Loaf said, stopping in his tracks.

"We didn't repaint it!" Murdoc says in exasperation. "It's just-"

She stops when she sees the bus. Sinjin, Patrick, and Dean are currently removing the totaled windshield. Liam is sitting in a chair and rubbing his temples. Jeremy is sitting next to him, clutching his chap stick and talking animatedly. Charlie is doing absolutely nothing, but is watching the removal of the windshield and keeps saying things that might make one think he is helping.

"You know what?" Murdoc says, turning Meat Loaf around. "There's just one little thing I think I forgot to do. But you know what? Jeremy-" she motioned to Jeremy, who ran up immediately "-has got something he wanted to tell you, a really, uh, great story, so I'll just leave you here with him and he'll tell you all about it…"

She ran over to the bus.

"What are-" She paused, making sure Jeremy had guided Meat Loaf well out of ear shot. Lowering her voice, she said "What are you doing?"

"Sorry, Murdoc, it's just that it took a little longer than we expected to get the new windshield…" Dean began.

"What d'you mean? I told you to take it to the shop!" Murdoc whispered loudly.

"And get asked a bunch of question about how that happened? I don't think so!" Dean whispered back.

"Do you even know how to do this yourself?"

"Of course, Sinjin used to work in a auto shop-" As he said this, Sinjin pushed what was left of the windshield off the bus. "And I got the windshield from Rusty. Remember Rusty? He-"

"Well, when is this going to be done? Marvin's here now!" Murdoc snapped.

"Just keep him distracted," Sinjin says, "for about another… two hours."

"I'll help!" Charlie says. Murdoc gives him a critical stare.

"I'm not so sure…" Murdoc says, watching Liam from mouth "take him" from behind Charlie. "But, alright, I suppose."

As they walk over to the park across the street where Jeremy has led Meat Loaf, Charlie says, "Hey, don't you think it's weird that even though we did crash into a building, the only thing on the bus that was damaged was the windshield?"

Murdoc ignores him.

(Later)

"Okay, you can open your eyes now," Murdoc tells a blindfolded Meat Loaf.

"Thank God," he replies. "If I had to listen to Jeremy tell me that stupid Chap Stick story again I think I would've had a brain aneurism."

"Well, aren't you positive?" Murdoc said, walking up the steps inside the bus. "Ta da."

A new, tinted windshield has replaced the old one, complete with a Drive Shaft sticker in the corner. A new curtain of shiny beads has replaced the old one, and the seat has even been covered with a fuzzy cheetah print.

"Aw, thank you, guys," Meat Loaf says. "And that Bill guy is gone for good now, right?"

Everyone exchanges glances.

"Yeah," Dean answers coldly. "Gone for good."

(Driving to North Carolina)

"It's so great to be back on the road," Liam says. Apparently, the crash had cured him for the better. "I love being on the road. It's so random."

"I think we've had enough excitement for now," Dean sighs. Everyone laughs.

"Hey…" Jeremy says, "Didn't we have a second camera crew?"

(Somewhere in Ohio)

The sound guy is walking down the side of a road and holding a sign that says: "BEEN PUNK'D".

(Next Day, on bus, pit stop in Kentucky)

The band is all sitting in the bus, and Murdoc has a big box in front of her.

"Hope that doesn't have a bomb in it," Sinjin says wearily.

"Oh no," Murdoc laughs. "No, these are cameras, you know, video cameras. Thanks to some recent contributions, we've been able to afford them. Each of you get your own camera, and you can do whatever you want with it. And, if it's good enough, I might put it in the film."

Dean gives a camera to Liam, Patrick, Sinjin, and Charlie. They all play around with them.

"But, what are we supposed to do with them?" Charlie asks.

"Anything. A video diary. A little project of yours or something… anything."

The band is still playing with their cameras when Ted and a teenage boy board the bus.

"Alright, gentlemen!" he says. "As you know, I can't be with you at all times, and on tour time my presence is very important, and since I won't be able to be here, my nephew here will watch over you for me."

No one is paying attention.

"Boys? Boys! Hey! Over here!" Ted says, waving his arms. He sighs and says, "I'll give a Kit Kat to anyone that'll watch over Donald here."

Everyone jumps up, and Charlie is the closest but is pulled back by Sinjin. Patrick runs into both of them, knocking them all to the ground. Liam steps over them and grins at Ted.

"Well, I guess it's me then," he says, filming Ted with the camera. Ted doesn't look too happy. But really, look at his options.

"Fine," he says hastily, shoving a Kit Kat into Liam's hand. "This is Donald. He wanted to know what life's like on the road, and he wanted to see what his cool uncle does for a living."

Donald sighs and rolls his eyes.

"Well, I've got to go, so I thought I could leave him here till you get to theCarolinas. And… Well, Adam, I can trust you to look after him too, right?" Sinjin gets up.

"Sure, but what's in it for me?" he asks.

"Oh, I'll give you a-" he pauses, and goes through his pockets. Liam has a Kit Kat sticking out of his mouth. Ted snatches it and gives it to Sinjin. "There you go," he says, wiping his hand on Donald's jacket. Don scowls. "So what do you say?"

"Deal," Sinjin says, taking a bite out of the Kit Kat.

(Some Diner In Boone, North Carolina)

A close-up of Jeremy's face as he tells his Chap Stick story.

"And so," he says, holding the chap stick in front of his face, "this chap stick saved my life."

"Uh huh."

The camera pans to Charlie and Murdoc, who are sitting across from Jeremy at the table.

"Y'all want any more coffee?" the waitress asks. They all nod and say their pleases and thank yous and as she leans over Jeremy, Charlie asks, "Excuse me, miss, but you wouldn't happen to have the time?"

"Well, sure, it's 11:23," she says. Her watch was on the wrist she was pouring with, but she was too concerned with answering Charlie's question to realize she was pouring scalding hot coffee right into Jeremy's lap. But timid, modest Jeremy doesn't say anything until she's well out of earshot. He starts to sob and runs to the bathroom.

"Well, I guess his chap stick wasn't there to save him this time, eh?" Murdoc says, leaning over the table and snatching Jer's Chap Stick.

(On bus)

"Well, Douglas, your dear old uncle Ted left you in our hands," Liam says, pacing all authoritative like in front of the couch the teen is sitting on.

"It's Donald," he mutters.

"What's that?"

Donald sighs. "Nothing."

"Okay, Dominic, your first job as assistant manager for Drive Shaft is… Um… I want to see how many push ups you can do."

"What?"

"You heard me," Liam says. "Well? Get to it, boy."

Don sighs again and gets on the floor. Sinjin, who has been fiddling around with the TV, beckons Liam to the little diner-like booth the TV is placed in.

"Listen, Liam," he whispers when Liam approaches him. "We need to take care of that kid."

"Hey, I can take care of David just fine, alright?"

"Yeah, but we REALLY need to take care of him."

"I took care of Charlie, right? He's still alive, right?"

"That's just it," Sinjin says, grabbing Liam's shoulders. "We need to make sure Derek doesn't die."

"Can I stop now?" Donald whined.

(Driving to Myrtle Beach, SC)

Jeremy is looking around the couch in the bus.

"Hey, Jay, what're you looking for?" Charlie smirks.

"My chap stick, I can't find it," he says, pulling off the cushions.

"Well, where did you see it last?" Charlie asks.

"When I was showing you at the… Oh no!" he sighed in exasperation. "I must've forgotten it at the diner!"

"Well it is understandable," Charlie says, leaning against the bar. "I mean, you were a little preoccupied. How is… that going, by the way."

"It… still kinda stings."

"You know, I feel sorry that you lost your chap thing, I really am," Charlie says, picking up his video camera that is on the bar. "Tell you what? You can have my camera."

Jeremy walks over and takes the camera Charlie is offering. He examines it. "It's not really the same…"

"I know, but maybe you can… I don't know, make something about your little adventure. Yeah, go ahead, use my camera. I don't need it."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"The battery's running low…"

"Oh, yeah, I think I left the charger in the cargo. I guess you're going to have to wait till we stop."

"That's alright. Hey, Charlie?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

(Myrtle Beach)

"We've got a show in three hours, c'mon guys!" Liam says as he leans against the side of the bus. He's drinking from a water bottle and is ordering a few roadies around. "Be careful with that- Be careful!" _CLANG!_

Jeremy is looking around with his camera. He spots two girls sitting nearby pointing and talking animatedly. Murdoc is nearby with Donald.

"Hey, Darrell, have you seen Patrick nearby?" Donald gives her a cold stare. "You know, tall, red hair… a dumb look on his face?"

"I know who he is, I just haven't seen him," Donald says.

Jeremy walks over to the girls.

"Hi," he says.

The girls look at him distastefully. We're already familiar with them as the two fan girls that bugged Charlie and Liam, known as Braceface and WhatsHerName.

"Do you… Do you guys like Drive Shaft?" he asks.

"Yeah, Liam is so hot," WhatsHerName says. Braceface hits her arm and gives her a look.

"Well, I happen to know Liam," Jeremy says.

"Really?" Braceface says.

"Oh, yeah. We go way back. In fact, I'm filming a documentary about him now," Jeremy says in what is obviously a bragging tone. He turns around to see if Murdoc has overheard.

"Really? A movie about Liam? Wow!" WHN says. "I mean, that's cool."

"Yeah."

"Hey, mister, if you know Liam so much…" Braceface says, "is there any chance we could get a little tour of the tour bus with him?"

"Well, they're leaving to do a show soon... But I could show you the bus if you like."

The girls think about this.

"Can we take souvenirs?" WHN asks.

"Um, yeah, I guess. As long as it isn't something, you know, important."

"Cool!"

(An Hour Later- shot from Jeremy's camera)

"I can't believe we're going on Drive Shaft's tour bus!" WHN says.

"Yeah," Jeremy says, looking at the locked door of the bus. "Hey, you want to go through Liam's stuff?"

"Okay!" WHN says. Jeremy walks over to the cargo door. "Hey, can you hold this?" he asks, handing the camera to WHN. He attempts to open the door.

"Aren't you supposed to unlock that with something?" Braceface asks after Jeremy has been tugging at the door for a few minutes.

"This? This thing doesn't lock, you're just supposed to-" He grunts. "-RIP it open!" The door makes a weird noise and it opens. "Hmm… I guess they moved all the clothes and stuff to the back," he says, looking at the bags that have been pushed considerably toward the back of the cargo hold. "Well, ladies first."

The girls go in and he follows them.

"Yeah, Liam's bag is one of the black ones… Yeah, they're all black… Um, try that one-" There's another weird noise and the cargo door shuts.

"What just happened?" WHN says in a panicked tone.

"The door just shut," Braceface says. "You're going to open it, right?"

"Open it? Yeah… Hold on…" Jeremy moves over to the door and stares at the broken handle in dismay.

"Well?"

"Um… I think… I don't think… Well…"

"Are you saying we're locked in here?" WHN screams.

"Not for long! I'm sure someone's going to show up soon!"

"This is just great. I told you we shouldn't have listened to this guy, Sam," Braceface growls. "But you- Sam, would you let go of my arm?"

"I'm not touching you…" WHN says. Braceface looks at Jeremy, who is far enough to not being able to touch her and is fiddling with the light on his camera. Braceface looks at her arm and sees a hand holding on to it.

"AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

A/N: Wow, it certainly took me long enough. Uh… Next chappie, the hilarity will ensue.


	20. Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

A/N: "In the beginning, there was rock. Then somebody invented the wheel, and everything began to roll."

xThis Is Drive Shaftx

(Myrtle Beach, SC. Two hours to Showtime)

"Where the hell is Patrick?" Liam is yelling as he walks around with his water bottle.

"Did you see him when we were unloading?" Murdoc asks.

"I don't remember," Liam whines. "I just figured he had already gotten a ride here or something. Charlie, have you seen Patrick?"

"Patrick's not here yet?"

"Oh, shit, he's not here. Does anyone know where Pat could be?"

"No one ever knows where Patrick goes," Sinjin says. "Remember last time we couldn't find him?" Liam and Charlie chuckle.

"Why? What happened last time?" Murdoc asks. Sinjin whispers something in her ear. "He got his WHAT pierced?"

"And remember that? Pat never showed up for that show, so we had to get someone to replace him," Charlie says.

"But we won't have to this time, right?" Liam says uncertainly. "I mean, he's still got time. And who are we going to replace him with?"

They all look at Dean, who's standing by the amps and twirling a drumstick gracefully in his hand as he talks to Donald.

(On bus)

"AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Braceface rips her arm from the grasp of the hand and scuttles over to Jeremy.

"Wha happened?" says the owner of the hand groggily.

"Patrick?" Jeremy asks. "What are you doing here?"

"I always sleep in here before a gig," Patrick says.

"Before a gig? Pat, everyone left," Jeremy says.

"What? Damn," Patrick crawls over to the door and tries to pull it open only to realize it's jammed. "It's stuck."

"Yeah, that moron locked us in," Braceface says and nods toward Jeremy.

"Hey, don't blame me for this. You two are the ones that wanted me to bring you here. You didn't even care, I could be some psychopath that lures teenage girls into tour buses and-" Patrick suddenly sprays Jeremy in the eyes with pepper spray. "AHHHHH!" Jeremy squeals, rolling on the floor for a few minutes and slowly stopping. He finally gets up."Pat, what did you do that for?"

(Myrtle Beach, Hour and a half to Showtime)

"Is this a good idea?" Dean asks as he sits behind the drums. "I mean, I don't even know any of the songs."

"That's okay, neither does Patrick," Charlie says. "Where's Liam?"

(Liam's Dressing Room)

Liam is hunched over the food table. Donald is sitting on the couch flipping through a magazine.

"What is this?" he asks Donald, holding up a cup.

"It's yogurt," Donald says. An assistant walks in.

"Hey, what's your name?" Liam asks the assistant.

"Uh, Faerie in Combat Boots."

"Well, Fairy… Do you mind if I call you Fairy?"

"Actually…"

"Do you see this? This is yogurt," Liam says, ignoring Faerie in Combat Boots and holding up the yogurt container. "This is yogurt with fruit on the bottom. Blueberry. I asked for pineapple."

"Well, you see-"

"No, I won't stand for this. You're new, so I'll let you go. But all this-" he points at the yogurts. "-has got to go." He starts picking up individual yogurt containers, carefully peels off the foil cover, and then smashes it on the floor. He does this for a minute straight, and the room is absolutely silent. Liam finally finishes and makes a big show of wiping the nonexistent sweat off his brow and croaks, "Clean this up." Faerie in Combat Boots leaves, and Liam hops onto the couch.

"What'd you do that for?" Donald asks.

"Oh, I just like screwing with the assistants."

Sinjin enters the room and slips on the yogurt.

(Back In Bus)

"It was a hypothetical scenario. God," Jeremy snaps as he holds a mini milk carton against his eye, which we'll assume Whatshername carried with her, because she just seems the type to carry around her daily source of calcium around. "Why did you have pepper spray with you anyway?"

"I like seasoning my food," Patrick says. Jeremy stares at Patrick.

"It smells really bad," Braceface says.

"Yeah," Jeremy replies, still staring at Patrick.

"How are we going to breathe?" Whatshername asks in a scared tone.

"Never fear," Pat says as he takes three straws out of his pocket.

(Myrtle Beach, 45 minutes till Showtime)

Sinjin is being carried into an ambulance as Charlie and Liam approach Murdoc. They both approach her from different directions and corner her.

"Amazing, don't you think?" Charlie says. "I mean, really. A puddle of yogurt breaks a guy's wrist. And his playing hand, too."

"Yeah, I have no idea how that yogurt got there," Liam says quickly, then glances at his hand, where something is written on his palm. "I mean, oh no. Now we don't have a guitar player," he says in a tone an unskilled child would say his lines in a school play. He slaps his hands on his face and puts on a shocked expression, getting ink all over his cheeks. "What are we going to do?"

"I don't know," Charlie says in the same loud, obnoxious tone. "Hey, Murdoc, don't you play the guitar?"

"Forget it," Murdoc says, walking away and lighting a cigarette.

"Oh, come on, Murdoc. We've heard you play," Charlie says.

"I'm not a guitar player, I just know a few songs here and there," she says.

"What are you talking about? Hey, I know talent when I see it…"

Murdoc snorted. "I bet you do."

"And I know you've got a gift. Now, can you please do this one show with us?"

"Am I really your only option?"

"You kind of are," Liam says.

"Please?" Charlie asks. He and Liam both give their pouty faces, making them both look hilariously ugly.

"Fine," Murdoc sighs.

"Yes!" Charlie cheers.

"But I don't know any of your songs," she says. "And I don't read notes."

Liam and Charlie both exchange glances. "Well, today's your lucky day," Charlie says in that creepy raspy tone he gets.

(Back in Bus)

Patrick, Braceface, and Whatshername all have straws in their mouths. Jeremy is sitting in the corner and glaring at them, drinking his milk.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"We're trying to save our air," Patrick says. Jeremy shakes his head and takes out a cigarette.

"You're not going to light that, are you?" Braceface asks.

"Why?"

"Because if you do, you'll put carbon dioxide in the air, and we won't be able to breathe."

"I'm counting on it."

"Hey, give me one of those," Patrick says.

"Not you too," Braceface says. "Don't you understand that smoking depletes your system of oxygen? And that isn't good."

"Ooh, we have a dentist on board!" Patrick says. "And it's okay, we'll just smoke over here," he says, finding a secret door none of them noticed on the floor and pulling it open, revealing about a 2'x2' hole and a great view of the pavement. Everyone stares at Patrick.

(Myrtle Beach, 30 minutes till Showtime)

"What is this?" a baffled Murdoc asks. She's in what looks a lot like a big closet with Charlie and Liam and is holding a guitar. The guitar looks normal, but the amp in front of her has a screen on it. A nerdy looking man comes in.

"This is Jhonen," Charlie says, and Jhonen immediately starts typing on a keyboard that was lying on top of the amp. "He does all our stage effect stuff."

Jhonen mutters a greeting and says, "I've been working on this for a while now, it's called Guitar Lad."

"Guitar Lad? What the hell is a Guitar Lad?" Murdoc asks.

"Well, it's like a little helper when you play guitar. You see, I've programmed all of the Drive Shaft songs in here, so you can play the notes that appear on the screen in time to the music."

"You lost me."

A Scooby Doo type montage of Murdoc learning to play Guitar Lad plays, with Murdoc learning to play, Charlie and Liam having a go at it, Murdoc playing while Liam sings, Murdoc playing while Jhonen sings, a basketful of bras being thrown as Murdoc and Charlie rock out in unison, Murdoc, Charlie, Jhonen, and Liam, running in and out of a hallway of doors…

Murdoc holds the guitar over her head and has a large boot on top of Charlie's chest as he lies on the ground.

"I think she's ready," Jhonen says.

(Back In Bus)

Jeremy pokes his head out of the hole.

"I think there's enough room for you to get out," he says to the girls. "Now, when you get out, I need you to get help so we can get out of here."

Both girls nod and Patrick and Jeremy help them get out through the hole. They hear the girls crawl from under the bus and run off. Jeremy takes out a lighter and lights his cigarette.

"They're not coming back," he said.

Patrick takes out a six-pack from behind one of the suitcases. "Nope."

(Myrtle Beach: Two Minutes From Showtime and counting)

"You ready?" Liam asks Murdoc.

"I AM the Guitar Lad!" Murdoc says.

"Thatta girl," Liam smiles. "What about you, Dean?"

A group of fan girls are crowded around Dean and are cheering on his effortless drum twirling skillz. "I could get used to this," he smirks. Everyone looks up as the M.C.'s voice comes over the speaker and they all pick up their instruments and get ready.

"This next band is cooler than spider tattoos!" the M.C. says.

"Ooh, whoopee," Murdoc chuckles.

"Coming from Britain, and with a few minor temporary changes, I give you… Drive Shaft!"

Murdoc and Dean rock on stage with the band and the crowd cheers. At one point a shower of bras, underwear, and someone's pants is thrown and lands all over the drums, but Dean keeps playing. During the guitar solo, Liam grabs the pants and throws them at Charlie, and Murdoc and Charlie do a back-to-back guitar solo.

(Meanwhile, STILL in the bus…)

The door opens and a very confused and mad Meat Loaf pokes his head in.

"What in the _hell_ are you two doing?" he asks.

"The two girls came in here and we were locked out-" Jeremy drunkenly explains.

"And I was sleeping in here and I pepper sprayed"- Patrick almost simultaneously says, so for a minute the two of them try to explain what happened but there's so drunk you can only understand a little bit, and even then it makes no sense.

"That's it, both of you. Get out! You're getting smoke all in my bus!"

They both crawl out as Murdoc and the rest of the band pull up in a van.

"So I can keep these?" Dean asks as he comes out with a crate full of all the undergarments thrown on stage.

"Knock yourself out," Charlie says, putting the pants, now folded, in the crate as he gets out of the van.

"That was awesome!" Murdoc exclaims as she jumps out of the van. She spots Jeremy stretching by the bus and runs toward him and kisses him, also knocking him into the side of the bus and knocking all the wind out of him.

Meat Loaf comes over with a spray and a rag. "Hey!" he says. Murdoc and Jeremy move, and Meat Loaf grumbles as he cleans the spot on the bus.

"Whoa, Murdoc, what was-"

"I rocked out with the band!" Murdoc explained. "It was so awesome!"

"Where were you?" Liam snaps at Patrick.

"I was sleeping in the bus and he came with two girls and they shut the door, and I sprayed and we had straws and we smoked and-"

"Never mind," Liam sighs. Murdoc is still hugging a very confused but smiling Jeremy.

"Why do you smell like pepper spray?" she asks.

A/N: MEAT LOAF was on American Idol a while ago. I didn't see it, but my sister thinks he sounded drunk. I tried to explain to her that he was drunk. Drunk on the music. And next chappie will indeed (hopefully) have Karen, the wicked wife from the East! ...Side of London. OOH!


	21. English Girl

A/N: "In the beginning, there was rock. Then somebody invented the wheel, and everything began to roll."

xThis Is Drive Shaftx

(Myrtle Beach)

Liam and Dean are in an empty parking lot and are sitting on lawn chairs and have that machine that shoots out tennis balls in between them.

"Wayne's World 2, you've never seen it?" Dean asks.

"I think I've only seen the first one," Liam answers. "I'm not that into sequels."

The shot widens out to show Donald about a football field away (it's a big parking lot) holding a laundry basket and trying to catch the tennis balls. The tennis balls can only go so far, so he's struggling to get the bouncing balls into the basket.

"Come on, Devon, you're going to have to do better than that!" Liam yells into his megaphone. "You call yourself a roadie?"

"Come closer!" Dean yells into the megaphone. "God, I remember doing stuff like this as a kid."

"Really?" Liam asks.

"Oh yeah. Murdoc, Bones, and me used to fire fireworks at cow fields back in Florida, I used to shoot flaming arrows into crowds… Good times."

Liam looks impressed and horrified at the same time. "How long have you known Murdoc?"

Dean chuckles. "Uh, a really long time. Since we were twelve, thirteen."

"Well. That's…that's almost twenty years," Liam says incredulously.

"Well, don't sound so shocked. I mean, you've known Charlie for almost thirty."

Liam nods, still not getting Dean's point. "Closer!" he yells into the megaphone, pulling a lever and shooting a new batch of tennis balls.

"Liam?" a woman's voice says from behind them. Liam kicks the machine in surprise and it falls off the bricks it's standing on, causing it to fire more tennis balls faster. One of the balls hits Donald in the head, and he falls back. Dean runs over to him. Liam jumps up.

"K-Karen?"

(In bus, still in Myrtle Beach)

Karen is sitting on the couch with Megan on her lap. Megan is playing with the Liam doll and is twisting it's arms and legs around.

"Karen? What brings you here?" Liam gulps.

Karen sets Megan next to her. "Why do you sound so worried, Liam? Aren't you happy to see me?" she snaps.

"Oh, honey, of course I am! It's just… Why didn't you call?"

"Since when do I have to call my husband to tell him where I'm going? You didn't call me to say you were going on tour across the globe!"

Liam is speechless, and he's lucky when Charlie and Sinjin (right arm in sling) board the bus.

"Karen?" Charlie says in the same shocked tone as his brother.

"Uncle Charlie!" Megan squeals, running over to Charlie and wrapping her arms around his legs.

"Adam, what happened to you?" Karen asks Sinjin.

"Oh, I slipped. Just got back from the hospital," he answers. Dean runs up the stairs onto the bus.

"Hey, could someone help me out there? Daniel's bleeding," he says.

"And I guess it's time to go back," Sinjin sighs, turning around. He and Dean leave, Charlie quickly following after he pries Meg off his leg. Karen looks up at the camera in distaste.

"Liam, what is this?" she asks.

"Oh, this is the film crew that's following us around for a movie. A documentary," Liam answers, happy to get off the subject of…anything that would upset his wife. Karen looks flustered and moves her hair out oh her face and timidly smiles at the camera.

"A movie? What, is it just the cameras?" she asks.

"Uh, no, actually. There's-"

Liam is cut off by Jeremy coming out of the bathroom, wet and with a towel wrapped around his middle. He shakes his hair out of his face. "Hey, do I still smell like…" he stops when he sees Karen. The room gets very quiet.

Karen stands up and extends her hand. "Hi, I'm Karen," she says. "Liam's wife." Jeremy awkwardly grabs his towel with one hand and reaches out to shake Karen's. "I don't think we've met?" she says, batting her eyelashes.

Liam rolls his eyes and stands up. "Honey, this is Jeremy. He's with the film crew," he says.

"Hi," Jeremy awkwardly nods.

"Well, hello, Jeremy, it's nice meeting you. And you smell great."

(Individual Interview: Karen and Liam Pace)

"So, how long have you two known each other?" Jeremy asks the couple as they sit next to each other.

"Oh, about… six years?" Liam answers.

"And Megan is your daughter?"

"Yep, four years old," Karen smiles.

"They grow up so fast," Liam smirks.

"So, can you tell me a little about each other?"

"Before I met Karen, my life was cosmically in shambles, it was ah...I was using bits and pieces of whatever Eastern philosophies happened to drift through my transom and she sort of sorted it out for me, straightened it out for me, gave me a path, you know, a path to follow," Liam says, and he's apparently memorized this.

"I wonder if you have as much influence over his musical expression?" Jeremy asks, smirking.

"Oh, yeah, I mean listen to him and Charlie when they're experimenting, and things like that, don't I? Well, I used to. They would play things to me, and I would say whether it was good or just horrible," she giggles.

"Yes, she is very honest, she is brutally frank," Liam says.

"Well, how does that go over with the other band members?" Jeremy asks.

"Well, what happens is that she gives me the brutally frank version and I sort of tart it up for them."

"Yes," Karen nods.

"Of course, you know, it's so strange because Charlie and Karen are so similar in so many ways, but they just can't, they don't dislike each other at all..."

"No."

"There's great love between the two of them..."

"Oh, yes..."

"But, they just, there's some sort of communication that's just not, just blocked or something..."

(Later)

"Charlie, when are you going to shave that horrible beard off?" Karen asks as Charlie brings in her suitcases. "And for god's sake, when are you going to fix your hair?"

Charlie merely grumbles as he walks by Jeremy, who is wearing jeans but no shirt as he pulls pillows off the couch.

"Has anyone seen my shirt?" he asks.

"Shirt?" Karen asks as she quickly stuffs what looks like a folded blue shirt into her bag. "You lost your shirt?"

"Yeah, have you seen it? It's a blue Queen shirt, I could've sworn I had it in the bathroom when I took that shower…"

"It's okay, I'll spot you a shirt, mate," Liam says as he heaves a duffel bag on the couch.

"Oh, Liam he'll be fine!" Karen says.

"But… He needs a shirt, Karen."

"No, he doesn't, it's hot enough out here," Karen smiles.

"You know what?" Jeremy says. "I think I'm going to go look in the bathroom."

"What are you up to?" Liam hisses.

"What? He's not that much of an eyesore," Karen smirks.

"Are you kidding? Look how pale he is! He's Canadian!"

"What, you think you're any better?" Karen growls. She turns around to see Murdoc boarding the bus. "Oh good, the maid!" she cries, walking toward her. Charlie, who just boarded the bus behind her, snorts and tries to stifle his laugh.

"Um, I'm not the maid," Murdoc says.

"You're not? Well, then who _are_ you?" Karen asks defensively.

"I'm Murdoc. I'm in charge of this movie," she nods toward the camera. "And you are?"

"Karen." Murdoc raises an eyebrow, expecting more. "I'm Liam's wife."

"Liam's wife? Liam…" Murdoc pauses and spots Liam waving his arms behind Karen. "…Talks about you all the time! Of course you're Liam's wife!"

"Liam's never mentioned me, has he?" Karen asks.

"Well, of course he has! You're his wife! Karen! But really, you're much more beautiful than I expected, I mean, Liam told me you were pretty, but-"

"It's okay, you don't have to lie anymore."

"But I'm not-"

"Really, forget the charade. I mean, I know I'm gorgeous, but I also know that Liam never talks about me."

This "gorgeous" comment catches Murdoc a little off guard andherjaw tightens for a second before she answers,"Really, he does always say things about you, I mean, I know I've heard a lot of outrageous stories and-"

Megan is standing at the top of the stairs wearing large sparkly sunglasses. "Daddy!" she cries and runs over to her father.

"You have a kid?" Murdoc says incredulously. Everyone stares at her. "I mean, of COURSE you have a kid…"

(Later that night)

"Liam, I think it's time I told you why I came here," Karen says. She, Liam, and Megan are sitting in the booth. Liam has a glass of whiskey in front of him and looks afraid. The shot widens to show Murdoc, Charlie, Patrick, Sinjin, Meat Loaf and Jeremy listening on the other side. Jeremy feels someone breathing on his shoulder and looks up to see a complete stranger also listening to the conversation.

"Who are you?" Jeremy whispers.

The stranger points at the nametag on her shirt. It says "LEAVIEL". Jeremy looks confused, but she just puts her finger to her lips and listens to the wall. Jeremy slowly turns around.

Karen sighs. "I think we should get married," she says. Liam spits and sprays his whiskey all over the place. This causes Murdoc and Charlie to moan and wipe the spit and whiskey from their faces, making them fall and everyone along with them. Leaviel runs past and out of the bus, waving her arms frantically.

"Who the hell was that?" Murdoc grumbles.

"But we're already married!" Liam exclaims.

"Well, yes, but... Liam, we've been through so much, and I think we should at least renew our vows. It would show how much we love each other," Karen explains, pouting and batting her long eyelashes. Liam stares at her and sighs, chuckling.

"If it's what you want," he says.

"Excellent!" Karen squeals, taking out a folder overflowing with papers. "Oh, Liam, I've got the best ceremony plan. Our reception will be provided by Carlyle Weddings, and you won't believe who's planning it!"

Liam is still baffled by the size of the folder and still hasn't completely registered everything his wife is saying. "You?"

"Sabrina Carlyle herself!" Karen screams, no longer being able to contain her excitement as she bounces up and down on the bench. Liam is waving his arms and trying to mimic her glee, but judging the look on his face, he looks like he very much regrets this decision.

(The next day, driving to Florida)

"And we're going to have the reception on the beach, and it's going to be so wonderful, and we can make Meggie our flower girl and it'll be brilliant and…" Karen continues to rant about her plans to Liam, who is sitting in the same spot as he was last night, and still has that look on his face. Every once in a while he'll nod or smile at whatever it is Karen's saying. Murdoc is sitting in the front of the bus with Meat Loaf and is trying to ignore Karen's constant chatting. Charlie comes over and sits next to her.

"Gandalf, what is with her and weddings?" she asks.

Charlie laughs and pulls out a shoe box. "Well, it's sort of understandable. Her first wedding wasn't that great."

Murdoc pulls out a picture. It's a picture of Liam and Karen at the alter, Karen not looking very happy and Liam with KISS make-up on.

"Yeah, we all got drunk the night before and painted our faces," Charlie explains as Murdoc examines a picture of Liam with his best men (Charlie, Patrick, Sinjin), all wearing KISS make-up. "Yeah, it didn't come off for a few days. Karen was really pissed during the honeymoon."

"Well… Liam looks pretty happy."

(Next day, Tallahassee)

"Boone, I _told_ you not to get involved," Sabrina Carlyle snaps into her cell phone as she boards the bus and sneers at the purple beaded door in distaste. "Are you sure? Okay. But I'll miss you, you know how hard it is running the business without you, you're very vital to the…"

Karen is standing by the door and is waiting for Sabrina to finish her conversation. Mrs. Carlyle hangs up and Karen asks, "Was that your business associate?"

"Yes, my son, Boone," she answers. "Now… is this your… living quarters?"

"No, more like my way of transportation. I'll be in a hotel in Tampa tomorrow, but we'll just have to make do with this today."

Sabrina slams a large briefcase on the table. "Alright, our color palette should consist of pale colors, like you, for instance, should wear a light gold sort of dress, and your husband… Where is your husband?"

(In parking lot, behind an abandoned Wal Mart)

"Ready?" Liam yells into his megaphone. The camera pans around to see Charlie, Patrick, Sinjin, and Donald a few yards away. They're all wearing helmets, but Charlie and Patrick are the only ones standing, each holding a laundry basket over their heads. Sinjin and Donald are sitting on the ground, each holding a lacrosse net thingy. The camera pans back to Liam, who is now filling the tennis ball shooter with the undergarments Dean had gotten a few nights ago. Unfortunately, the pants get stuck, and the machine starts to smoke. Liam and the crew run off just before the machine explodes.

(Back on bus)

"Oh, he's working," Karen says.

A/N: Hmm… Well, Karen will get worse, especially now that she's armed with Mrs. Carlyle. By the by, I'm pretty sure anyone reading this has already gone to that fake Drive Shaft website, but if you haven't, go there and look for that article about the Wedding Planner. Isn't she Boone's mum? She doesn't even care that he's dead. She's just sad that her company is missing one of it's best employees. It's kind of funny. You know, in that ironic sort of way. I'm not exactly sure what's going on in the next chapter, but I can guarantee it'll have a hilarious bit with Charlie in a music store.


	22. Take Me Out

A/N: "In the beginning, there was rock. Then somebody invented the wheel, and everything began to roll."

xThis Is Drive Shaftx

(Tampa, Florida)

"So we decided that since tonight's your show, tomorrow will be your day off and then we'll have the reception!" Karen explains, beaming at her husband at the last part. Liam looks bewildered.

"Two days? Karen, Bunny, that's too soon," he says.

"Oh, come on, Liam, it's not like it's an actual wedding. I mean, there won't be a big wedding gown, a limo, _a bachelor party_," she glares.

(Outside Bus)

"Well, they're planning," Sinjin says as he listens to large headphones connected to a box with several knobs on it. Everyone else is just standing around- smoking, drumming their fingers on their knees, putting tape on their fingers. Patrick has been tugging at his bottom lip for a while now.

Murdoc puts out her cigarette with her boot and asks, "What is that?"

"I think it's something that bank guy had in the bus," Sinjin explains. "Did you know he had us wired?"

"What do you mean?" Charlie asks.

"I can hear everything that's going on in the bus with these."

"You can?" Murdoc asks. She ponders this for a moment and then hastily sits down next to Sinjin. "Can I listen?" Sinjin hands her another pair of headphones, as if he was expecting this.

Charlie stands up and says, "Well, that's fascinating, but I think I'm going to head to that music store we saw a few miles back. Anyone want to come with me?" He waits for an answer, but no one moves. He walks out of the shot, only to walk back a few seconds later. "Yeah, I'm going to need a car."

(In Sam Ash, music store)

Patrick is looking at the wall of cymbals in the drum section. Jeremy is looking at the bass guitars. Charlie and Dean are in the piano section.

"So, you play the piano?" Charlie asks Dean.

"Yeah," Dean mutters, playing a small tune.

"Well, I'll have you know I've been playing since I was a kid," Charlie says, playing a little song. Dean is observing Charlie's playing style, with his fingers jutting out at odd angles and with a flustered look on his face.

"Who taught you?" Dean asks.

"I taught myself," Charlie mutters, continuing to play his pathetic song. Dean nods and walks over to another piano and starts playing a song. It's a whole lot more intricate than what Charlie was playing, and when Charlie hears it, he stops.

"I know that song," he says.

"This one?" Dean says, starting to play the song over again.

"Yeah." Dean continues to play, and Charlie is obviously racking his brain in search of the answer. "I know it… I know it…"

"It's-"

"Don't tell me! I know it…" He sighs deeply. "I don't know."

"It's the Clash. 'Rock the Casbah'?" Dean says.

Charlie clenches his fist and hits himself in the head. "'Rock the Casbah!' Of course! Damn it!"

"Hey, don't beat yourself up about it…"

"Play another one!" he spits.

"What?"

"Play another song! I'm going to guess it right!"

"Charlie, what're you-"

"Play!" Dean nervously plays the beginning to "Christine Sixteen" by KISS. Charlie listens intently. Dean finishes the short intro. "Why'd you stop?"

"The song's over."

"Well, play it again, I haven't gotten it yet." Dean plays it again. "I have no idea," Charlie sighs.

"It's 'Christine Sixteen'," Dean explains. Charlie looks confused. "By KISS? ...You've never heard of it?"

"Who's KISS?"

Dean looks completely dumbfounded. "You know, those guys with the paint on their faces…"

"Oh, yeah, them."

Dean gives an enormous sigh of relief as he clutches his chest and holds on to the edge of the piano and laughs. "For a second there I thought you had no idea who KISS was." He chuckles again. "Of course, if that was the case, I'd have to kill you."

(Outside bus)

Murdoc and Sinjin are listening to Liam and Karen arguing inside.

(Inside Bus)

"I don't get it, why would you have listed dinner for fifty people if we don't even have enough people to invite? Wait… You didn't invite your family, did you?" Liam asks.

"Well, I tried, but no one could make it on such short notice," Karen explains. "Why, what's wrong with my family?"

"Nothing, I just-"

"You're still upset with my mother, aren't you? You know, it was an accident-"

"An accident? Karen, an entire collection of Voltron action figures don't just fry themselves…"

"She didn't mean to put your toys in the fireplace…"

"They weren't toys!" Liam cries, getting emotional. He looks over at Meg, who has a pair of scissors and is cutting the arms and legs off the Liam doll. Liam frowns and says, "Meggie?" She looks up. "Headphones." Megan quickly clamps her hands over her ears. "It was the entire 1984 collection! Do you have any idea how hard those are to find? I mean, the ACTION FIGURES have been discontinued since then and I haven't been able to get one since 1997!"

"You see? THIS is why we're renewing our vows, you don't care about me! All you care about is your stupid toys!" Karen snaps.

"Action figures!"

"And when was the last time you gave Megan a toy?"

"Oh, don't change the subject-"

"No, we're on the subject! This is why I'm here, Liam! Because you don't love us anymore!" Karen starts to cry.

"Karen, I never stopped loving you!" Liam says, hugging his wife. He makes a weird strangling motion just past Karen's neck."And I never will."

"It just seems that you don't care…"

"I do care," Liam says. He looks at Megan. "Duran Duran." Megan scrunches her nose and shakes her head. "Duran Duran," he repeats. He looks down at Karen's head on his shoulder. "Honey, you didn't change the headphones, did you?" Karen doesn't respond. "Karen?"

"Van Halen," Karen says to Megan and quickly walks away to the bathroom.

"BITCH!" Liam yells after her. He looks at Meg, who looks back at him questioningly. "Uh, headphones?"

(Outside)

"What's headphones?" Murdoc asks Sinjin as they continue to eavesdrop.

"Well, it's kinda like that movie Old School-"

"Oh, you mean like 'earmuffs'?"

"Yeah, except he'll say 'Duran Duran' when the headphones are turned off."

"Why Duran Duran?"

Sinjin thinks about this before answering, "…Why not?"

"Hey, I think we've got something," Murdoc says.

(Inside Bus)

Megan is staring at something on the wall. She abandons her scissors and doll and walks over to it. It's a white wire. She reaches out and touches it. Her fingers go around on it and she tugs on it as hard as she can, causing-

(Outside Bus)

-very loud feedback and static to blast into Sinjin's and Murdoc's ears. They both yell and rip off the headphones and stare at them for a second.

"I had a feeling that would happen," Sinjin says.

(Inside Sam Ash)

"I only know how to play one song," Jeremy says as he holds a violin and stares at an annoyed Dean and an enraged Charlie. The height difference between Dean and Charlie is sort of funny as well.

"Well, play it! I'll get it, I know I will!" Charlie spits. Jeremy looks at him, bewildered, but begins to play the song. It's "Eleanor Rigby", and Dean sighs and folds his arms, as if to say "How easy could this get?" But Charlie is having some trouble. Jeremy finishes the song and looks at Charlie.

Charlie seems flustered and is racking his brain before he suddenly gets a tranquil look on his face. "Eleanor Rigby?"

"Yes!" Dean cries. Charlie theatrically pumps his fists in the air and jumps up and down as Dean applauds. Charlie even becomes so excited he grabs the violin Jeremy was playing and smashes it on the ground. Everyone quickly walks away as he stomps on it and yells.

(Later)

"So, if we break it, we buy it?" Dean asks, talking to a manager at the store.

"Yeah," the manager nods, sounding annoyed.

"Okay, then, I guess I'll buy that violin right there-" he points at the smashed violin. "I always like myviolins smashed into oblivion. Makes me play better." Dean buys the violin and walks out to the parking lot, where Charlie, Patrick, and Jeremy are standing by his car.

"I'm sorry, mate," Charlie mutters, ashamed.

"Hey. Don't beat yourself up about it," Dean says. He holds up the bag with what used to be a violin inside. "We could always nail this to the wall of a Denny's, or something."

(Charlie, Dean, Jeremy, and Patrick were banned from a local Denny's for trying to nail violin pieces to the restroom door. Later, they successfully managed to stash it at a booth at Applebee's.)

(The Next Day)

"So we decide you'll wear a white suit, because you don't look good in tan and face it, you'll just burn up in the sun in black…"

Liam is reading a box for Ibuprofen as his wife rants. Everyone else is sitting around the couch and are all wearing headphones connected to the box Murdoc andSinjin were listening to earlier. Murdoc plays with one of the knobs.

"Hey," Charlie says. "I liked that song."

"Did anyone else want to listen to that song?" Murdoc asks.

"No," everyone says. Charlie sighs and takes off the headphones. Meg walks over and hands him a book.

"Uncle Charlie? Could you read me this story?" she asks.

"'Los Gatitos'? Um, where'd you find this, poppet?"

"Over there," she says, pointing to the door on the second floor. You know. The _paranormal _one.

"You went in there?" Charlie asks as he turns to look at the door.

"Uh huh."

"You know, you shouldn't go in there," Charlie says. "It's dangerous."

"_It's not dangerous,"_ a demonic voice says. Charlie looks at Meg, and she's grinning with red eyes. Charlie jumps back and flings his arms around, dropping the book. She picks it up and joyfully skips off.

"Charlie, your interpretive dance is scaring the children," Karen snaps. Meg looks up at him and giggles, red eyes blaring.

A/N: Yeah, maybe a little too much hype for this chapter. Anyhoo, are you ready for the grand finale? Eh? Well, I shouldn't say grand finale, this story could go on for another eighty chapters. But who's ready for the Pace vow renewal? Anyhoo, you're all invited! (Anyone who read the Murdoc Show knows where I'm going with this.) So reviewers, just ask for a cameo and you've got one!But dress nicely, Joan Rivers is going to be outside and if she spots a pair of last season Prada shoes, there's going to be hell to pay. Just kidding. Well, about the clothing. Rivers won't leave no matter how many times we've asked her.


End file.
